Real Life
In an earlier post, I made the statement that Gandalf changed my life. Here is how that happened. I was working at for Sprint, on a terrible shift, doing work I detested, mostly on night shift, and in a deep and dark depression. After midnight, we usually watched movies between calls (which was allowed). One night someone brought in The Lord of the Rings.
I was thinking… “Oh God, not that again!” But there it was, nothing to do but watch it, so I did. And once again I got totally caught up in the drama. And once again I started to wish that life really was like an epic fantasy movie. And once again, I felt myself spiralling into that dark feeling of disappointment with myself and my life.
And then, Frodo said: “I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.” Which really resonated with me, I was wishing lots of stuff had never happened to me too.
To which Gandalf replied:
“So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
He went on to say: “There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.” But what I heard, that first part went straight to my heart. Something inside of me woke up. I could feel it stirring! It was as if he was speaking directly to me.
It occurred to me that I could decide what to do with the time that was given to me. That I could decide to live my life AS IF it was an epic fantasy movie. I could decide to be whoever it was that I wanted to be. And for the next several days – as we watched the rest of the trilogy – I mulled it over. I wondered who I would be if the Lord of the Rings was actually my “real” life… who was I in the movie? What part was I currently playing?
The answer was disconcerting to say the least. I came to the conclusion that I was “doing” life much the same as Denethor, Steward of Gondor. “Why? Why do the fools fly? Better to burn sooner than late, for burn we must. Go back to your bonfire! And I? I will go now to my pyre. To my pyre!”
If you don’t remember Denethor here’s the scoop on him: He’s a father, a good man, but he’s inexorably drawn to his own destruction because of his grief. He’s lost his son Boromir, and he almost lost his other son, Faramir. He’s lost his wife. He wasn’t the king of Gondor, only the steward…a caretaker. His city is under siege, his people are being slaughtered and he’s powerless to do anything about it. The situation is desperate. The armies of Sauron will come back. They will defeat civilization, and Denethor can’t see any way of stopping it. He can’t cope.
Ok, so I’m not a father, and I wasn’t in the situation he was in – but the grief was real, the feelings of loss and doom were real, I did feel powerless, and desperate, and unable to cope. And instead of standing my ground, instead of doing whatever could be done, I was plunging headlong into self destruction. Finding an almost sinful pleasure in being mean to myself, reveling in the self torture. Not even willing to allow the possibility of outside aid.
Now that I knew “who” I was in the movie, it was time to decide who I “wanted” to be in the epic fantasy adventure of my own life. I’ll blog that as a separate post. See it here.
By the way: This post was migrated from my blogger blog (shirleytwofeathers.blogspot.com) and was first published almost exactly 9 years ago, on 1/08/08.
Did you ever have a dream that was so cool, so real, and so vivid that not only do you know it “means” something, you’d also like to figure out a way to get back into it and make it come true in your real waking life?
About 2 weeks ago, I had one of those. And then a series of events have happened to underscore it, and tonight I’m taking steps to say to the Universe, to tell the powers that be, “Hey – I’m up for it!”
So, here’s the dream:
In the dream, I hooked up with Opie, one of the bikers on the Sons of Anarchy. We had great sex, we had real love, and it was so so good! Now, interestingly, my ex-husband (now deceased) and Opie look really a lot alike. Here’s something else that’s interesting. When Mike (my ex) really began to slide towards the other side, I started to see him in my dreams more and more.
After he died, I began to see him every where I went. On the way to the viewing I saw him about 6 different times. I thought that the viewing would make his passing seem more real to me, but just the opposite happened. Now he doesn’t seem dead at all. Often he comes to me in dreams… that feeling of closure I had when the divorce was finalized is gone and it feels to me like we are connected in some deep irredeemable way.
But, back to the dream… no… wait… here are some pictures. The first one is Opie, the second one is my ex.
That being said, back to the dream. Opie and I hooked up, fell in love, had great sex, and then he had some business to take care of and I had to go to work. We decided to go someplace cool over the weekend, and I drove to work. When I parked the car, I saw that there were ripe black blackberries growing just beyond the parking lot. They looked so ripe and so good that I decided to go into “Heavenly Pets” (that’s where I was working) and get a bowl to put them in.
This is how good they looked:
So, I go into the shop, and the place is a mess, dog hair everywhere. One of my daughters was there and I said, “We better get this place cleaned up!” But first, I wanted to find a bowl for the blackberries.
So, I went outside with the bowl, all ready to have some yummy fruit, and this woman comes charging up to the door with her dog (Heavenly Pets is a dog grooming salon), all pissy and wanting to come in. I said to her, “We don’t open until 8 o’clock.”
She says, “It’s ten after nine!”
And I’m like… Fuck Me! And then, people with dogs started pouring out of cars and mobbing the front door. I gave up on the collecting the fruit idea and went back into the shop only to find that it was now a really horrible mess in there. Dog shit everywhere – piles and piles of it. Dogs running around loose. Dog hair. Dirt. It’s chaos and really really gross.
My other daughter has decided to pull all the cages out and clean under them. And I’m running around cleaning up shit, and shit, and even more shit! Then, we pull out a cage and underneath it is a dead cow. A whole cow, dessicated and flat, but a cow nonetheless… I’m like… what a bunch of crap! Literally! 10 times worse than this!
Suddenly, I remembered about Opie… and how we were in love, and going to do something cool. So I told everyone (my coworkers) that I was “no longer a virgin” and that I had a cool biker dude…
Next thing you know, he shows up. Looking all cute, wearing his “cut,” and ready to go. In the picture, (it’s really hard to find a good Opie pic) he looks kind of intense, in the dream, he was all smiling and cute.
And I’m thinking… “Damn! How can I leave now, with all this shit to clean up?” I could feel myself beginning to make the decision to stay and clean the never ending piles of shit and death, when I suddenly woke up. Wide awake. Dream so vivid in my mind! And right then and there, I decided that given a choice love vs shit, freedom vs work, cute biker vs dead cow, I’m going for love, freedom, and cute…
I told my daughter about it, and she was sure that I’d never find a biker or a biker type that was anywhere near anyone I’d have anything in common with. But then, I found Shaman Hawk’s post about being a Shaman and I’m thinking he has that “biker” look and that “biker” attitude. Not only that, but (like Opie) he had a thing with a porn star… and one of the girls at work who encouraged me that maybe I should go looking for a biker… well, her name is Donna. Which is the name of Opie’s dead wife. Coincidences… maybe… signs and portents… also maybe… I dunno.
Anyway, tonight I’m hanging out at bonafide biker bars with my friend Sequoia. (Another interesting coincidence since Shaman Hawk’s girlfriend’s name is also Sequoia.) This is my way of making it clear to “the powers that be” that I absolutely choose freedom, love, fun, and cute over work, death, and shit. As Shaman Hawk would say, you “gotta do the pictures.”
Postscript:
I’m revisiting this post in 2023, and realizing that I did actually make the decision to stay and deal with the shitstorm that I am apparently needed for. Moral of the story? When you are IN the dream, that’s when the decisions are made… not after the fact when you have had time to think about it and maybe a little more common sense!
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I think it's time to go shopping... maybe even buy some really cool stuff at my online shops!!
