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It’s a definitive list. No excuse now for not coming up with a really good jab when someone needs a nice take down.

  1. If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.
  2. Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.
  3. I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
  4. He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.
  5. He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
  6. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
  7. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
  8. Are your parents siblings?
  9. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
  10. Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
  11. Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
  12. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
  13. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
  14. Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
  15. Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling – in your skull?
  16. Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
  17. Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
  18. Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
  19. Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.
  20. Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
  21. He has a mind like a steel trap – always closed!
  22. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
  23. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
  24. He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
  25. Here’s 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
  26. Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?
  27. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
  28. I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.
  29. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
  30. I bet your mother has a loud bark!
  31. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
  32. I don’t consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
  33. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
  34. I don’t think you are a fool. But then what’s MY opinion against thousands of others?
  35. I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.
  36. I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
  37. I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
  38. I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
  39. I know you are nobody’s fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
  40. I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
  41. I would ask you how old you are but I know you can’t count that high.
  42. I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
  43. I’d like to leave you with one thought…but I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it!
  44. I’d love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
  45. I’ll never forget the first time we met – although I’ll keep trying.
  46. I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
  47. I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
  48. If I ever need a brain transplant, I’d choose yours because I’d want a brain that had never been used.
  49. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
  50. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder; it would be genocide!
  51. If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, she’s invulnerable.
  52. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  53. If your brain was chocolate it wouldn’t fill an M&M.
  54. Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
  55. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!
  56. Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
  57. So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
  58. Some day you will find yourself – and wish you hadn’t.
  59. If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.
  60. If you don’t want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.
  61. Is your name Laryngitis? You’re a pain in the neck.
  62. Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people’s hair.
  63. I hear you pick your friends — to pieces!!
  64. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
  65. They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
  66. You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that’s all they’re good for.
  67. People can’t say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
  68. You must have a low opinion of people if you think they’re your equals.
  69. wish you were all here. I don’t like to think there is more!
  70. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder; it would be genocide!
  71. Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that’s the best friend you can get.
  72. I don’t think you are a fool. But then, what’s my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
  73. Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
  74. People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.
  75. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
  76. The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.
  77. I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.
  78. When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.
  79. I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.
  80. I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
  81. I’m very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.
  82. I don’t hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.
  83. I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
  84. I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I’ll think so.
  85. Man alive! But I wish you weren’t.
  86. I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
  87. Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
  88. You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.
  89. You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn’t like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.
  90. We know that romance brings out the beast in you — the jackass.
  91. I’m looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven’t had it yet.
  92. There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
  93. All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that’s the only way they could.
  94. I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.
  95. Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I’ll arrange it with the undertaker.
  96. People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.
  97. Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!
  98. We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
  99. When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, “Gentlemen.” Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
  100. The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.
  101. You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.
  102. All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don’t you send them a penny and square the account?
  103. I heard you have hair on your chest, and that`s not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.
  104. No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
  105. There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.
  106. Sit down and give your mind a rest.
  107. There is no vaccine against stupidity.
  108. I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.
  109. Don’t get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can’t take the credit.
  110. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
  111. I wish you were all here. I don’t like to think there is more!
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