Lists I Like

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It’s a definitive list. No excuse now for not coming up with a really good jab when someone needs a nice take down.

  1. If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you.
  2. Don’t be humble. You’re not that great.
  3. I feel so miserable without you, it’s almost like having you here.
  4. He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t.
  5. He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
  6. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
  7. Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.
  8. Are your parents siblings?
  9. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
  10. Better at sex than anyone; now all he needs is a partner.
  11. Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.
  12. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
  13. Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you’d had enough oxygen at birth?
  14. Do you want people to accept you as you are or do you want them to like you?
  15. Don’t you have a terribly empty feeling – in your skull?
  16. Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
  17. Don’t you need a license to be that ugly?
  18. Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege!
  19. Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It’ll only take 10 seconds.
  20. Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
  21. He has a mind like a steel trap – always closed!
  22. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
  23. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
  24. He’s not stupid; he’s possessed by a retarded ghost.
  25. Here’s 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring back some change!
  26. Hi! I’m a human being! What are you?
  27. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
  28. I’d like to see things from your point of view but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.
  29. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
  30. I bet your mother has a loud bark!
  31. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
  32. I don’t consider you a vulture. I consider you something a vulture would eat.
  33. I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
  34. I don’t think you are a fool. But then what’s MY opinion against thousands of others?
  35. I hear the only place you’re ever invited is outside.
  36. I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
  37. I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
  38. I heard you went to have your head examined but the doctors found nothing there.
  39. I know you are nobody’s fool but maybe someone will adopt you.
  40. I thought of you all day today. I was at the zoo.
  41. I would ask you how old you are but I know you can’t count that high.
  42. I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
  43. I’d like to leave you with one thought…but I’m not sure you have anywhere to put it!
  44. I’d love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.
  45. I’ll never forget the first time we met – although I’ll keep trying.
  46. I’m busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
  47. I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission!
  48. If I ever need a brain transplant, I’d choose yours because I’d want a brain that had never been used.
  49. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.
  50. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder; it would be genocide!
  51. If what you don’t know can’t hurt you, she’s invulnerable.
  52. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
  53. If your brain was chocolate it wouldn’t fill an M&M.
  54. Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent.
  55. Learn from your parents’ mistakes – use birth control!
  56. Pardon me, but you’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
  57. So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
  58. Some day you will find yourself – and wish you hadn’t.
  59. If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.
  60. If you don’t want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.
  61. Is your name Laryngitis? You’re a pain in the neck.
  62. Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people’s hair.
  63. I hear you pick your friends — to pieces!!
  64. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
  65. They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
  66. You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that’s all they’re good for.
  67. People can’t say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
  68. You must have a low opinion of people if you think they’re your equals.
  69. wish you were all here. I don’t like to think there is more!
  70. If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn’t be murder; it would be genocide!
  71. Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that’s the best friend you can get.
  72. I don’t think you are a fool. But then, what’s my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
  73. Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
  74. People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.
  75. Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
  76. The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.
  77. I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.
  78. When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.
  79. I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.
  80. I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
  81. I’m very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.
  82. I don’t hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma; your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.
  83. I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
  84. I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I’ll think so.
  85. Man alive! But I wish you weren’t.
  86. I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.
  87. Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
  88. You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.
  89. You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn’t like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.
  90. We know that romance brings out the beast in you — the jackass.
  91. I’m looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven’t had it yet.
  92. There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
  93. All of your girlfriends kiss you with their eyes closed. Considering your face, that’s the only way they could.
  94. I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.
  95. Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I’ll arrange it with the undertaker.
  96. People say that you are outspoken, but not by anyone that I know of.
  97. Your conversation is like the waves of the sea. It makes me sick!
  98. We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
  99. When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, “Gentlemen.” Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
  100. The only things you ever make are mistakes and cigarette ashes.
  101. You always manage to keep your neck above water. We can tell by the color of it.
  102. All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don’t you send them a penny and square the account?
  103. I heard you have hair on your chest, and that`s not your only resemblance to Rin Tin Tin.
  104. No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
  105. There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.
  106. Sit down and give your mind a rest.
  107. There is no vaccine against stupidity.
  108. I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.
  109. Don’t get me wrong. I`m not trying to make a monkey out of you. I can’t take the credit.
  110. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you’ve never used it.
  111. I wish you were all here. I don’t like to think there is more!

While researching snakes, I came across this nifty little tidbit. It’s a list of do’s and don’ts when it comes to snakes.

A. Don’t cross a snake’s path unless you slide or shuffle your feet.
B. You’ll have leg aches – other diseases – bad luck.

A. Don’t eat in front of a snake.
B. When you get older, your throat will close.

A. Don’t watch a snake swallow it’s food.
B. Your neck will swell up.

A. Don’t watch a water snake swallow.
B. You’ll lose your voice.

A. Don’t open your mouth when you see a snake.
B. He’ll jump in.

A. Don’t kill snakes or lizards.
B. It will make your heart small – dry up – you will get a crooked back.

A. Don’t burn a snake.
B. You’ll get sores – rash.

A. Don’t kill a snake when it is raining.
B. Lightning will strike your house.

A. Don’t put a snake in the open when dead.
B. The lighting will bring it back to life.

A. Don’t put a dead snake on a rock.
B. You’ll cause a thunderstorm – it will come back to life.

A. Don’t kill a snake with your hand.
B. Your hand will swell up.

A. Don’t go to the bathroom in front of a snake.
B. He will be jealous of your wife and turn her yellow.

A. Don’t pick up things between two fingers.
B. Only snakes do that.

A. Don’t watch snakes having intercourse.
B. You’ll go blind.

A. Don’t step on a snake.
B. Your legs will swell up – get crooked.

A. Don’t draw in the sand with your fingers.
B. Snakes will come to it.

A. Don’t talk about snakes.
B. They will come around.

A. Don’t laugh at a snake.
B. It will bite you.

A. Don’t make faces at a snake.
B. It will bite you some day.

A. Don’t spit at a snake.
B. It will get after you.

A. Don’t watch a snake crawl out of its skin.
B. You’ll get sick or jump out of your skin.

A. Don’t shoot an arrow at a snake.
B. It will go crooked – hit something else – be spoiled.

A. Don’t run over a snake in your car.
B. You’ll have a bad life.

A. Don’t break snake eggs.
B. The snakes will get you.

A. Don’t wear anything made out of snakeskin, especially boots or shoes.
B. You will get crippled.

A. Don’t touch a snake.
B. It has nothing and it will make you have nothing.

A. Don’t call a person a snake.
B. You’ll be bitten by one.

A. Don’t urinate on roads that cross each other.
B. That is the same as a snake trail

 ~Navajo Taboos; Ernie Bulow, 1991

Here’s the dictionary definition of love. It’s a long list. How interesting that in tennis love means nothing, zero, zilch. How did that come about, I wonder…

  1. A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
  2. A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
  3. Sexual passion or desire.
  4. A person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
  5. (Used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
  6. A love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
  7. Sexual intercourse; copulation.
  8. (Initial capital letter ) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
  9. Affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one’s neighbor.
  10. Strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
  11. The object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
  12. The benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
  13. Chiefly Tennis . a score of zero; nothing.
  14. A word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L.
  15. To have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
  16. To have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
  17. To have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
  18. To need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
  19. To embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
  20. To have sexual intercourse with.

There is a book about love, and the different ways we express it and accept it. It’s called The 5 Love Languages. I read it several years ago, and found it interesting and helpful. Here’s a quickie synopsis of the five languages.

Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time

In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Not sure what yours is? You can take this quickie quiz. Interesting, huh? The first time I read this book, it was pretty clear that I’m one of those Quality Time sort of people, and I thought I had it all figured out.

Recently, however, a friend of mine also read the book, and we got into a great discussion about it. And as a result, I’m not so sure that Gary Chapman got it exactly right. I think he’s missing a few key components to the whole “I know you love me because…” thing.

For example, what about these?

I Can Count On You

This is the language of you’re the soft place I land on when things go awry. I can count on you to back me when the chips are down. You will tell me the truth as you see it. You will listen to me rail about life and tell me to shut up when it’s time to stop. And when things are going good – you’re right there to enjoy them with me. When I reach for you – I always find you there.

You Know Me

This language is all about knowing who I really am. You don’t just see the outer me. You see past all my bullshit and into the deeper me. If you give me a gift, it’s something I would actually like. It resonates. If you hug me or touch me – it’s a comfort. If you say to me that you appreciate me – or need me – you say it because it’s true not because it’s what I want to hear. If you do something practical for me – it never leaves me feeling less than or beholden.

We Can Be Real With Each Other

This language is all about no barriers. I can say what I think, I can be totally and completely honestly me – faults, flaws, and all. I can be vulnerable and raw with you. And you with me. We trust each other because we don’t hide what we think, we don’t hide from what we don’t want to see, we just simply are who we are. Unflinching. I don’t scare you. And you don’t scare me.

And better yet, what about this one:

You know me, the real me, the raw me, the totally messed up me – and not only do you not run away screaming, you actually stick around because you want to. This one is pretty much self explanatory.

And I think it’s the one love language that we all respond to. Unconditional acceptance. I don’t think it even matters – gifts, words, actions, time, affection… it’s all nothing if you can’t accept me in the raw… me in the real… me at my core…

What if I could be that for everyone I know… what if you could?

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