Monthly Archives: November 2018
Here we have 14 steps to how to make an angel food cake Nietzsche style. The recipe is by Rebecca Coffey, and I think it might actually make a cake! Maybe I’ll try it!
1. Allow the angel to reach room temperature. Then kill it.
2. Kill God. Set Him aside.
3. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees.
4. Ecstatically whip, as if possessed by a storm-wind of freedom, 1-1/2 cups of excellent egg whites with 1/4 tsp. salt and 1-1/2 tsp. cream of tartar. Continue until peaks are as if raised to their own heights and given wings in a fine air, a robust air.
5. Gradually add 3/4 cup sugar, about 3 tbsp. at a time.
6. You are brilliant.
7. Now, add 1 tsp. vanilla and 1/4 tsp. almond extract, and then sift together 1-1/4 cups flour and 3/4 cup sugar.
8. Blend in God and the angel. Emboldened, add the egg mixture.
9. Gaze into the überbatter. The überbatter will gaze into you.
10. While prancing about in a frenzy of self-satisfaction and anticipation, use a rubber scraper to push the überbatter into an ungreased 10″ tube pan, for it is destined to be there.
11. Bake on a lower rack until done, usually 35-40 minutes, while reciting to the upper rack a long, convoluted anecdote about your childhood.
12. Invert the tube pan over a bottle for a few hours. Then impetuously rap the pan. Shout, “Aha!” and slide a knife along the pan’s insides.
13. Call what tumbles out a cake if you dare. Call it miraculous even.
14. Eat it. It is delicate, morbid, lovable, and you will die depressed, delirious, and overweight.
Found at: McSweeneys
Just in case you happen to invite a Klingon to dinner… here are a few recipes. Alternatively, if a Klingon invites you to dinner… this is what you just might find on the menu. LOL.
Invite a vegetarian over for tea. Politely inquire about his degenerate lifestyle in order to lull him into a false sense of security. When he lowers his guard, beat him to death with a sack of phone books.
Cook vegetarian over medium heat until brown. Remove from heat and stir in pasta sauce, onion, garlic powder, basil, and oregano. Return to low heat to simmer. Cook, drain, and rinse noodles.
In a baking dish, layer in noodles, sauce, and cheese. Bake covered with foil at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for 30 minutes or until top layer of cheese is bubbling. Let cool for 10 minutes, then serve and enjoy.
Afterward, discreetly dispose of the vegetarian’s belongings and wipe down the house from top to bottom.
Find someone who has already prepared some home-style gagh. Kill him/her in honorable combat and take his/her gagh. Serve cold and enjoy.
Heart of Targ
Retreat to the solitude of the wilderness. Contemplate what it means to be a man and come to terms with your shortcomings as a son, a husband, and/or a father. Play a drum if it helps. Thus centered, you are ready for Step 2.
Contemplate the targ until your mind opens and you realize that consuming the heart of a wild animal is nothing more than a romantic metaphor and that the targ’s spirit (or “mana”) will not transfer to you no matter how succulent its heart may be.
Armed with this new awareness, return to the city and order a three-meat pizza to sate your hunger. You, the targ, and the universe are now one.
Thing on a Stick
(a.k.a. Bachelor’s Delight)
Impale something on a sharpened stick. Cook over a pile of burning tires until bored. Serve hot and enjoy.
Preset disruptor to “incinerize.”
Identify a tribble infestation. Scramble your forces and surround the affected area with a ring of thermal mines reinforced by autoguns with overlapping fields of fire. Once secure, saturate the area with plasma mortars and spicy barbecue sauce. Assess bomb damage and repeat as necessary.
When satisfied, sweep the area with squads and mop up any remaining resistance. Retrieve charred tribble carcasses and stomp or pound into nuggets. Serve hot and enjoy.
If desired, commission an opera to celebrate your glorious triumph over the loathsome tribble menace.
Serves 1 Platoon
Found at: McSweeneys
- Vinegar-saddened potatoes, seasoned in the shadow of an man bursting with regret, accompanied by a side of angsty pomegranate steeped three hours in leeks, ennui, and the bourgeois consumerism of a successful older sibling.
- Orphaned zucchini aged in the sound of children’s laughter, embittered in vinegar, anise, and the deep-eyed stares of a loyal dog, gazing ever-hopefully out the window, even though her owner is late coming home from work.
- Friendless goat in emotionally processed micro greens. Do make sure the greens are micro, as they have to be small in comparison with the universe. This dish is best served at a table for one, far from home, while browsing Facebook on your phone.
- Feet of an overworked duck, braised for the amount of time it takes Sisyphus to roll his boulder up and down the same mountain three times. For the braising liquid, try to locate at your local wine store a debauched pinot noir, with a misanthropic nose, surprisingly empty on the palate, and a sardonic finish.
- Porterhouse steak, burnt to black by your ex-girlfriend, served on a collectible plate featuring images of her looking really great since you two broke up.
- Stringy Rooster, marinated in what you think is, at first, an awkward silence, but which turns out to be the casual indifference of eternity.
By Torrey Peters.
So there’s something fun I found today. Bet you’ve never tried these recipes! Or, maybe you have… I dunno! Anyway. Enjoy!
Tomato Hot Pants.
- 1 can Heinz stewed tomatoes
- 1 pair yellow or white cotton or cotton/lycra blend hot pants with pockets
- 1 terrycloth bonnet
Roll tomatoes and hot pants into a ball, putting one or two tomatoes in each pocket. Stuff roll into terrycloth bonnet, secure tightly. Dry on high for 15 minutes.
- 1 1/2 cup chopped fresh mint leaves
- 1 cup lemon juice
- 5 pairs white cotton socks
Set aside 1 tablespoon chopped fresh mint leaves. Add lemon juice, white socks, and remaining mint leaves, dry on high for 5 minutes. Sprinkle with remaining mint leaves before folding neatly.
Artichoke Encrusted T-Shirt with Capers.
- 1 jar artichoke hearts
- 1 package Shake ‘n’ Bake original
- 1 jar capers
- 4 T-shirts
- 1 tablespoon olive oil
Mix artichoke hearts and Shake ‘n’ Bake in washer on spin cycle until smooth. Scrape into bowl and set aside. Put olive oil and T-shirts in dryer for 5 minutes on high. Add artichoke blend and capers, and dry on high for 12 minutes.
Found at: McSweeneys
Have problems? Need something fixed? Don’t know what to do? Ask any how-to question, and get an immediate answer from The Plumber Dude. How cool is that?