bla bla bla
This post was originally written and shared way back in December of 2007. I am revisiting it today because while some of the details have changed, the basics remain the same. And 12 years later, I don’t know that I am any closer to it now. Interesting to me how the more things change, the more they stay the same.
Here’s the post:
Today, I actually took the time to write down what it is that I really do want. I expected the list would look a little bit different than it does. I fully expected my list would say that I want money, and I want to be healthy, and I want a Vardo Van, and I want my dog to live as long as I do, and I want to be enlightened, and I want everything to be OK. And while those things are certainly embedded, the list itself came out somewhat different, here it is:
FREEDOM: To be free financially, not tied down to a boring job; not worried about how all the bills will be paid; no debt hanging over my head; free to go where I want to go, to do what excites and interests me, to be free from the obligations and problems that deplete my energy and “bring me down.”
CONNECTION: deep real and intimate connection… to what? To the earth, to primal energy, to creativity, to love, to truth, to the tides, the seasons, the rhythm of nature, to magic, to… insight, intuition, the innermost resources of my own heart.
I really want to be wide open to life. Raw and real. Sharp and soft at the same time. Honest. Willing to walk through fear, to wade right into whatever presents itself. No more running, no more hiding, no more closing the windows and locking the doors.
And it occurred to me that the list is actually in a sort of reverse order. When I am wide open to life, willing to walk through fear and wade right into whatever presents itself, when I am done running, and hiding behind closed doors, that’s when I will begin to feel that deep and intimate connection to life itself… to magic, to the innermost resources of my heart. And when I accomplish that, I WILL be free.
So, there it is. Open Door Meditation, here I come!
So here I am, it’s 3 am, New Years Day, 2019… unable to sleep because I’m coming down from a drug induced zombie like state brought on by medication for a bad head cold. They say that what you find yourself doing on New Years Day is a good indication of what you’ll be doing for the rest of the year. And I hope that isn’t true, because if it is, it means that I will be mindlessly blogging bullshit while everything else around me goes to shit.
There are so many other ways that I had hoped today would unfold… for example:
- Waking up rested, well, and full of energy.
- Jumping out of bed ready and eager to face the new year.
- Sleepily rolling out of bed feeling relaxed and happy.
Ok, I don’t even believe one word of that. Actually, if my day had started in any one of those three ways, I’d be wondering who the fuck I am and why the hell did I take over Shirley’s body, because hey… if I’m going to take over someone’s body and have a bunch of energy, I’d really like it to be someone who is younger, better looking, and who has more money!
So, now that I’ve got that off my mind, I think I’m going to work on my New Years Resolutions… and that’s something for a different post, because I don’t want it to be associated with, or connected to this one. God forbid that my ambitious ideas for the new year should have anything to do with my “real” life… LOL…
The Devil went back to Georgia and his thoughts were dark and cold
That Johnny kid had screwed him and he still needed a soul.
When he came across this young man blowin’ on a tuba and playin’ hits
And the Devil took one look and said…
“Kid, I know you won’t believe this, but I play the tuba too
And if you wanna wager, well I’ve got a deal for you
If I’m the better tubist, then I get to take your soul
If you’re the best, you get this horn here, made from solid gold.
The boy replied, “My name is Hans, and though it may be wrong,
Your bet’s pretty intriguing, so I guess I’ll play along.”
Hans, clean out your spit valves, and get ready for a show.
Two tubas feudin’ face to face, pick up your horn and blow.
‘Cause if you win, you get a brand new tuba made of gold.
And if you lose the Devil gets your soul!
(Oomph music intensifies)
The Devil opened up his case and said, “I’ll start, I guess.”
And fire puffed out from the bell as on the valves he pressed
He raised the mouthpiece to his lips, it made a wicked BLART
And a band of lederhosen demons joined in with him to start
(Roll Out the Barrel plays with extended tuba solo)
Hans looked the Devil in the eye, once he finished his piece,
Said, “That’s okay, old man, but just you get a load of this!”
(http://youtu be/zmFYgc-Emmc and skip to 2:20)
The Devil bowed his head, because he knew he can’t compete
He dragged that heavy tuba down, it crashed by Hans’s feet
He turned away from Hans and as he retreated he said,
“Forget this crap I’m gonna try telemarketing instead.”
Found on Facebook – see below:
This year I watched the Lord of the Rings with my friend Daniel. We did an all day marathon… watched all three DVDs, one right after another, it was incredible! And I did my usual thing of thinking about “If the Lord of the Rings was my real life, which character am I portraying?” and it occurred to me that I have been working at being Theodin, King of the Rohirrim – which is better than Denethor by a long shot, so things are improving.
Then, we talked about who we would want to be… and Daniel suggested Aragorn. Well… Aragorn just happens to be my favorite character in that series. And, of course, I could never live up to his level of competence and strength of spirit. I’m was pretty sure on that score. But… the idea had a certain appeal.. it felt ambitious as hell.. so I decided to go for it.
And now… what is it… 45 days later… and I still haven’t a clue as to how to actually DO it. I think it might be part of the reason I’m so entranced by Tony Jaa. I’ve even been toying with the idea of enrolling in a martial arts class… and I might actually following through on it were it not for my current cash flow problems.
Recently, I’ve had a series of “shit happens” and fell into a funk… I was wondering yesterday, “What would Aragorn do?” And it occured to me that he would get his sorry ass out of bed at the crack of dawn and go take care of the “shit”. Then he’d bring home dinner, make sure the hobbits were safe, and take a nap (with one eye open). Later he’d sharpen his sword, and kill a few bad guys.
He wouldn’t be running in fear about money… he wouldn’t be tied to a job he didn’t like working for people who lack integrity… he wouldn’t mope around feeling sorry for himself and spend hours on the internet trying to make a MP3 play properly on a blog, (which no longer works, and so I substituted a YouTube video … in other words… he wouldn’t act like me! Not for one minute!
So then, I thought, OK, what if he came to my house what would he do? Well, he would tell me to “get a grip” and then he’d start putting the place in order, next thing you know it would all be “under control” and everyone (meaning me) would have a job to do and they would be doing it… and it would feel like there was a “plan” and a “purpose.”
If I didn’t have the flu…
and if I didn’t have to go to work sick…
because I have no money…
I might actually DO it…
Maybe I will do it!
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