Monthly Archives: October 2020
I saw this on Facebook the other day. The idea is to pick your favorite. My favorite is #1. What about you?
- When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison
- To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
- Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
- It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
- I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
- I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
- Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
- If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
- When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
- I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
- I run like the winded.
- I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
- When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
- When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
- I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
- When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
- Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
- Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
- My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.
Here’s something I find interesting. When I posted my mega list of stuff I want to do before I die, I fully expected that there would be fall out or blow back in the form of feeling overwhelmed, pressured, inept, inadequate, or otherwise crushed under the weight of it.
That did not happen!
Instead, I am feeling really good about myself because I realized that, with two notable exceptions, I spend the major part of every single day working on one or more items on that list. When I wrote the mega list, I thought I was flailing around not doing much of anything, and that is not true. Whatever I find myself doing at any given time is probably somewhere on that list, and knowing this is like a huge sigh of relief! Huge!
- Occasionally I find myself staring mindlessly at the television.
- Getting sucked in to those stupid games on my phone.
I’ve also noticed that now that I have my list, it’s way easier to stay off the phone games. And the mindless television watching? Well, I just grab something simple to do while I watch. Like making bows for Heavenly Pets, knitting those pesky scarves, sketching ideas for my 100 things…
I wonder what would happen if you made a really long list of all the stuff you want to do before you die, including all the stuff that would make life easier while you work on completing that list… Would your results be the same as mine?
There is no egg in the eggplant,
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England,
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that:
Quicksand takes you down slowly,
Boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,
Shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth?
If the teacher taught,
Why hasn’t the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What the heck does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play,
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways?
How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day
And as cold as hell on another?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language where a house can burn up as it burns down,
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers,
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn’t a race at all.)
That is why:
When the stars are out they are visible,
But when the lights are out they are invisible.
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
But when I wind up this poem
Shared by: Teresa Janusaitis
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