Star Trek stuff

Just in case you happen to invite a Klingon to dinner… here are a few recipes. Alternatively, if a Klingon invites you to dinner… this is what you just might find on the menu. LOL.

Vegetarian Lasagna

Invite a vegetarian over for tea. Politely inquire about his degenerate lifestyle in order to lull him into a false sense of security. When he lowers his guard, beat him to death with a sack of phone books.

Cook vegetarian over medium heat until brown. Remove from heat and stir in pasta sauce, onion, garlic powder, basil, and oregano. Return to low heat to simmer. Cook, drain, and rinse noodles.

In a baking dish, layer in noodles, sauce, and cheese. Bake covered with foil at 375 degrees Fahrenheit for 30 minutes or until top layer of cheese is bubbling. Let cool for 10 minutes, then serve and enjoy.

Afterward, discreetly dispose of the vegetarian’s belongings and wipe down the house from top to bottom.

Serves 4-8

Home-Style Gagh

Find someone who has already prepared some home-style gagh. Kill him/her in honorable combat and take his/her gagh. Serve cold and enjoy.

Serves 1-2

Heart of Targ

Retreat to the solitude of the wilderness. Contemplate what it means to be a man and come to terms with your shortcomings as a son, a husband, and/or a father. Play a drum if it helps. Thus centered, you are ready for Step 2.

Contemplate the targ until your mind opens and you realize that consuming the heart of a wild animal is nothing more than a romantic metaphor and that the targ’s spirit (or “mana”) will not transfer to you no matter how succulent its heart may be.

Armed with this new awareness, return to the city and order a three-meat pizza to sate your hunger. You, the targ, and the universe are now one.

Serves 1

Thing on a Stick

(a.k.a. Bachelor’s Delight)

Impale something on a sharpened stick. Cook over a pile of burning tires until bored. Serve hot and enjoy.

Serves 1

Tribble Nuggets

Preset disruptor to “incinerize.”

Identify a tribble infestation. Scramble your forces and surround the affected area with a ring of thermal mines reinforced by autoguns with overlapping fields of fire. Once secure, saturate the area with plasma mortars and spicy barbecue sauce. Assess bomb damage and repeat as necessary.

When satisfied, sweep the area with squads and mop up any remaining resistance. Retrieve charred tribble carcasses and stomp or pound into nuggets. Serve hot and enjoy.

If desired, commission an opera to celebrate your glorious triumph over the loathsome tribble menace.

Serves 1 Platoon

Found at: McSweeneys

The Ferengi believe that the universe is held together by the Great Material Continuum, also known as the Great River. They believe that each part of the universe has too much of one thing, but not enough of another, and it is through the continual flow of the Great River that wants and needs can be fulfilled, if one navigates the River with sufficient entrepreneurial skill. Like most of their culture, their religion is also based on the principles of capitalism: they offer prayers and monetary offerings to a “Blessed Exchequer” in hopes of entering the “Divine Treasury” upon death, and fear an afterlife spent in the “Vault of Eternal Destitution”.

And so here we have: The Complete Ferengi Rules Of Acquisition

  1. Once you have their money, never give it back
  2. You can’t cheat an honest customer, but it never hurts to try
  3. Never spend more for an acquisition than you have to
  4. Sex and profit are the two things that never last long enough
  5. If you can’t break a contract, bend it
  6. Never let family stand in the way of opportunity
  7. Always keep you ears open
  8. Keep count of your change
  9. Instinct plus opportunity equals profit
  10. A dead customer can’t buy as much as a live one
  11. Latinum isn’t the only thing that shines
  12. Anything worth selling is worth selling twice
  13. Anything worth doing is worth doing for money
  14. Anything stolen is pure profit
  15. Acting stupid is often smart
  16. A deal is a deal … until a better one comes along
  17. A bargain usually isn’t
  18. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all
  19. Don’t lie too soon after a promotion
  20. When the customer is sweating, turn up the heat
  21. Never place friend ship before profit
  22. Wise men can hear profit in the wind
  23. Never take the last coin, but be sure to get the rest
  24. Never ask when you can take
  25. Fear makes a good business partner
  26. The vast Majority of the rich in this galaxy did not inherit their wealth; they stole it
  27. The most beautiful thing about a tree is what you do with it after you cut it down
  28. Morality is always defined by those in power
  29. When someone says “It’s not the money,” they’re lying
  30. Talk is cheap; synthehol costs money
  31. Never make fun of a Ferengi’s mother
  32. Be careful what you sell. It may do exactly what the customer expects
  33. It never hurts to suck up to the boss
  34. Too many Ferengi can’t laugh at themselves anymore
  35. Peace is good for business
  36. War is good for business
  37. You can always buy back a lost reputation
  38. Free advertising is cheap
  39. Praise is cheap. Heap it generously on all customers
  40. If you see profit on a journey, take it
  41. Money talks, but having a lots of it gets more attention
  42. Only negotiate when you are certain to profit
  43. Caressing an ear is often more forceful than pointing a weapon
  44. Never argue with a loaded phaser
  45. Profit has limits. Loss has none
  46. Labor camps are full of people who trusted the wrong person
  47. Never trust a man wearing a better suit than you own
  48. The bigger the smile, the sharper the knife
  49. Old age and greed will always overcome youth and talent
  50. Never bluff a Klingon
  51. Never admit a mistake if there’s someone else to blame
  52. Only Bugsy could have built Las Vegas
  53. Sell first; ask questions later
  54. Never buy anything you can’t sell
  55. Always sell at the highest possible profit
  56. Pursue profit; women come later
  57. Good customers are almost as rare as Latinum – treasure them
  58. Friendship is seldom cheap
  59. Fee advice is never cheap
  60. Never use Latinum where your words will do
  61. Never buy what can be stolen
  62. The riskier the road, the greater the profit
  63. Power without profit is like a ship without an engine
  64. Don’t talk shop; talk shopping
  65. Don’t talk ship; talk shipping
  66. Anyone serving in a fleet who is crazy can be relieved, if they ask for it
  67. Enough is never enough
  68. Compassion is no substitute for a profit
  69. You could afford your ship without your government – if it weren’t for your government
  70. Get the money first, then let the buyers worry about collecting the merchandise
  71. Gamble and trade have two things in common: risk and Latinum
  72. Never let the competition know, what you’re thinking
  73. Never trust advice from a dying Ferengi; listen but don’t trust
  74. A Ferengi without profit is no Ferengi at all
  75. Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of Latinum
  76. Every once in a while, declare peace. It confuses the hell out of your enemies
  77. Go where no Ferengi has gone before; where there is no reputation there is profit
  78. There is a customer born every minute
  79. Beware of the Vulcan greed for knowledge
  80. If it works, sell it. If it works well, sell it for more. If it doesn’t work, quadruple the price and sell it as an antique
  81. There’s nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman
  82. A smart customer is not a good customer
  83. Revenge is profitless
  84. She can touch your ears but never your Latinum
  85. Death takes no bribes
  86. A wife is a luxury, a smart accountant a necessity
  87. Trust is the biggest liability of all
  88. When the boss comes to dinner, it never hurts to have the wife wear something
  89. Latinum lasts longer than lust
  90. Mine is better than ours
  91. He who drinks fast pays slow
  92. Never confuse wisdom with luck
  93. He’s a fool who makes his doctor his heir
  94. Beware of small expenses: a small leak will kill a ship
  95. Important, more impotant, Latinum
  96. Faith moves mountains – of inventory
  97. If you would keep a secret from an enemy, don’t tell it to a friend
  98. Profit is the better part of valor
  99. Never trust a wise man
  100. Everything that has no owner, needs one
  101. Never do something you can make someone do for you
  102. Nature decays, but Latinum lasts forever
  103. Sleep can interfere with opportunity
  104. Money is never made. It is merely won or lost
  105. Wise men don’t lie, they just bend the truth
  106. There is no honor in poverty
  107. Win or lose, there’s always Huyperian Beetle Snuff
  108. A woman wearing clothes is like a man without profit
  109. Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack
  110. Only a fool passes up a business opportunity
  111. Treat people in your debt like family … exploit them
  112. Never sleep with the boss’s wife unless you pay him first
  113. Never sleep with the boss’s sister
  114. Small print lead to large risk
  115. Greed is eternal
  116. There’s always a way out
  117. If the profit seems too good to be true, it usually is
  118. Never cheat a honest man offering a decent price
  119. Buy, sell, or get out of the way
  120. Even a blind man can recognize the glow of Latinum
  121. Everything is for sale, even friendship
  122. As the customers go, so goes the wise profiteer
  123. A friend is only a friend until you sell him something. Then he is a customer
  124. Friendship is temporary, profit is forever
  125. A lie isn’t a lie until someone else knows the truth
  126. A lie isn’t a lie, it’s just the truth seen from a different point of view
  127. Gratitude can bring on generosity
  128. Ferengi are not responsible for the stupidity of other races
  129. Never trust your customers
  130. Never trust a beneficiary
  131. If it gets you profit, sell your own mother
  132. The flimsier the produce, the higher the price
  133. Never judge a customer by the size of his wallet … sometimes good things come in small packages
  134. There’s always a catch
  135. The only value of a collectible is what you can get somebody else to pay for it
  136. The sharp knife cuts quickly. Act without delay!
  137. Necessity is the mother of invention. Profit is the father
  138. Law makes everyone equal, but justice goes to the highest bidder
  139. Wives serve; brothers inherit
  140. The answer to quick and easy profit is: buy for less, sell for more
  141. Competition and fair play are mutually exclusive. Fait play and financial loss go hand-in-hand
  142. A Ferengi waits to bid until his opponents have exhausted themselves
  143. The family of Fools is ancient
  144. There’s nothing wrong with charity … as long as it winds up in your pocket
  145. Always ask for the costs first
  146. If possible sell neither the sizzle nor the steak, but the Elphasian wheat germ
  147. New customers are like razor toothed gree worms. They can be succulent, but sometimes they bite back
  148. Opportunity waits for no one Females and finances don’t mix
  149. Make your shop easy to find
  150. Sometimes, what you get free costs entirely too much
  151. Ask not what your profits can do for you; ask what you can do for your profits
  152. You can’t free a fish from water
  153. The difference between manure and Latinum is commerece
  154. What’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is mine too
  155. Even in the worst of times someone turns a profit
  156. You are surrounded by opportunities; you just have to know where to look
  157. Don’t pay until you have the goods
  158. The customer is always right … until you have their cash
  159. Respect is good, Latinum is better
  160. Never kill a customer, unless you make more profit out of his death than out of his life
  161. His money is only your’s when he can’t get it back
  162. A thirsty customer is good for profit, a drunk one isn’t
  163. Never spend your own money when you can spend someone else’s
  164. Never allow one’s culture’s law to get in the way of a universal goal: profit
  165. Never give away for free what can be sold
  166. If a deal is fairly and lawfully made, then seeking revenge especially unprofitable revenge, is illegal
  167. Beware of relatives bearing gifts
  168. If you’re going to have to endure, make yourself comfortable
  169. Never gamble with an empath
  170. Time is Latinum. The early Ferengi get the Latinum
  171. If you can sell it, don’t hsitate to steal it
  172. A piece of Latinum in the hand is worth two in a customer’s pocket
  173. Share and perish
  174. When everything fails – run
  175. Ferengi’s don’t give promotional gifts!
  176. Know your enemies … but do business with them always
  177. The world is a stage – don’t forget to demand admission
  178. Whenever you think that things can’t get worse, the FCA will be knocking on you door
  179. Never offer a confession when a bribe will do
  180. Even dishonesty can’t tarnish the glow of Latinum
  181. Whenever you’re being asked if you are god, the right answer is YES
  182. Genius without opportunity is like Latinum in the mine
  183. There are three things you must not talk to aliens: sex, religion and taxes
  184. If you want to ruin yourself there are three known ways: Gambling is the fastest, women are the sweetest, and banks are the most reliable way
  185. There are two things that will catch up with you for sure: death and taxes
  186. If your dancing partner wants to lead at all costs, let her have her own way and ask another one to dance
  187. Never bet on a race you haven’t fixed
  188. Borrow on a handshake; lend in writing
  189. Drive your business or it will drive you
  190. Let other keep their reputation. You keep their money
  191. If the flushing isn’t strong enough, use your brain and try the brush
  192. Klingon women don’t dance tango
  193. It’s always good business to know about new customers before they walk in your door
  194. Wounds heal, but debt is forever
  195. Only give money to people you know you can steal from
  196. Never trust your customers, especially if they are your relatives
  197. Employees are the rungs on your ladder to success – don’t hesitate to step on them
  198. The secret of one person is another person’s opportunity
  199. A madman with Latinum means profit without return
  200. The justification for profit is profit
  201. a) A friend in need is a customer in the making.
    b) A friend in need means three times the profit
  202. A Ferengi in need, will never do anything for free
  203. When the Grand Nagus arrives to offer you a business opportunity, it’s time to leave town until he’s gone
  204. When the customer dies, the money stops a-comin’
  205. Fighting with Klingons is like gambling with Cardassians – it’s good to have a friend around when you lose
  206. Never trust a hardworking employee
  207. Give someone a fish, you feed him for one day. Teach him how to fish, and you lose a steady customer
  208. Tell them what they want to hear
  209. A wife, who is able to clean, saves the cleaning lady
  210. In business deals, a disruptor can be almost as important as a calculator
  211. If they accept your first offer, you either asked too little or offered too much
  212. Stay neutral in conflicts so that you can sell supplies to both sides
  213. Never begin a business transaction on an empty stomach
  214. Instinct without opportunity is useless
  215. Never take hospitality from someone worse off than yourself
  216. Only pay for it, if you are confronted with loaded phaser
  217. Always know what you’re buying
  218. A friend is not a friend if he asks for a discount
  219. Profit is like a bed of roses – a few thorns are inevitable
  220. Beware of any man who thinks with his lobes
  221. Knowledge is Latinum
  222. Rich men don’t come to buy; they come to take
  223. Never throw anything away: It may be worth a lot of Latinum some Stardate
  224. Pride comes before a loss
  225. Don’t take your family for granted, only their Latinum
  226. Loyalty can be bought … and sold
  227. All things come to those who wait, even Latinum
  228. Beware the man who doesn’t make time for oo-mox
  229. Manipulation may be a Ferengi’s greatest tool, and liability
  230. If you steal it, make sure it has a warranty
  231. Life’s no fair (How else would you turn a profit?)
  232. Every dark cloud has a Latinum lining
  233. Never deal with beggars; it’s bad for profits
  234. Don’t trust anyone who trusts you
  235. You can’t buy fate
  236. There’s a sucker born every minute. Be sure you’re the first to find each one
  237. The truth will cost
  238. Ambition knows no family
  239. The higher you bid, the more customers you drive away
  240. Never underestimate the inportance of the fist impression
  241. More is good, all is better
  242. If you got something nice to say, then SHOUT
  243. If you can’t sell it, sit on it, but never give it away
  244. A warranty is valid only if they can find you
  245. He that speaks ill of the wares will buy them
  246. Never question luck
  247. Celebrate when you are paid, not, when you are promised
  248. Respect other culture’s beliefs; they’ll be more likely to give you money
  249. A dead vendor doesn’t demand money
  250. Satisfaction is not guaranteed
  251. Let the buyer beware
  252. A contract without fine print is a fool’s document
  253. Anyone who can’t tell a fake doesn’t deserve the real thing
  254. A warranty without loop-holes is a liability
  255. Synthehol is the lubricant of choice for a customer’s stuck purse
  256. Only fools negotiate with their own money
  257. A Ferengi is only as important as the amount of Latinum he carries in his pockets
  258. A lie is a way to tell the truth to someone who doesn’t know
  259. Gambling is like the way to power: The only way to win is to cheat, but don’t get caught in the process
  260. A wealthy man can afford everything except a conscience
  261. No lobes, no profit
  262. Never let a female in clothes cloud your sense of profit
  263. It’s not the size of your planet, but it’s income, that matters
  264. The fear of loss may be your greatest enemy or your best friend – choose wisely
  265. A pair of good ears will ring dry a hundred tongues
  266. Wish not so much to live Long, as to live well
  267. a) When in doubt, lie
    b) When in doubt, buy
    c) When in doubt, demand more money
    d) When in doubt, shoot them, take their money, run and blame someone else
  268. Never purchase anything that has been promised to be valuable or go up in value
  269. It’s better to have gambled and lost than to never have gambled at all
  270. There’s many witty men whose brains can’t line their pockets
  271. The way to a Ferengi’s heart is through his wallet
  272. Always count their Latinum before selling anything
  273. There is no profit in love; however, a strong heart is worth a few bars of Latinum on the open market. Keep it on ice
  274. Latinum can’t buy happiness, but you can sure have a blast renting it
  275. If at first you don’t succeed, try to acquire again
  276. Diamonds may be girl’s best friend, but you can only buy the girl with Latinum
  277. It’s better to swallow your pride than to lose your profit
  278. Never close a deal too soon after a female strokes your lobes
  279. An empty bag can not stand upright
  280. Blood is thicker than water, but harder to sell
  281. Business is like war; it’s important to recognize the winner
  282. Rules are always subject to change
  283. Rules are always subject to interpretation
  284. No good deed ever goes unpunished
  285. When Morn leaves it is all over

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