Monthly Archives: July 2017
Ooops, were you looking for a ninja?
If so, HE’S BEHIND YOU, YOU IDIO- ahh, damn.
Too late again.
Ninja (zool. cut-throatius ninjutsu-useis head-rippus-offis assassinus Japanensis) (pl. ninji) is the common Japanese term for a group of intentionally badass martial artists with a complete dominion over all things totally sweet who specialize in killing people, flying, and burger/pizza/magazine delivery, which they do 24/7, and have also been known to mysteriously show up several hours before the burger/pizza/magazine was even ordered, with your condiments. The physical possibility of this is proven by the Uncertainty Principle.
Although ninji are most commonly thought of as being Japanese, it is a little known but true fact that over half of all ninji are from the southwest Detroit area. We know most about ninji from the autobiography of Sebastian Taylor, which appeared on the shelves of every library in the Australian city of Adelaide spontaneously in 1972, then proceeding to perform martial arts performances. The books soon joined the Cirque Du Soleil, but left the troop after several mysterious and spontaneous deaths in the audience. The books were never officially charged.
Ninji are also known for their leet skills, their knowledge of quilting history, their total disrespect for authority, their ability to fly, their ability to totally FLIP OUT and cut off people’s heads, and the ability to retract their testicles for defensive purposes, even when they aren’t cold, all displayed and explained in their book “1337 ways to annihilate pirates”. However, ninji are not animals (although they may transform into one if they’re feeling particularly badass), in that they do provide receipts for assassinations. Of course, due to their temporal skills sometimes they may give the receipt before the assassination; so if you ever find a small black piece of paper in your pocket, then duck!
Real ninji can not be seen. Only pirates, while drunk on rum, can see them. If you can see your killer then obviously he is a masked Assassin, not a ninja. Either that, or you’re a rum-intoxicated pirate.
Found at: The Uncyclopedia Ninja Wiki
Above is an artist’s depiction of a fruit bowl. It was only when he looked at his finished painting that he realized a ninja was hiding in front of him the whole time.
If you’re trying to find a ninja, (make sure you have a written will and you’ve said goodbye to everybody you love, unless you can bribe a ninja or beg him to be your slave) these are the places they’re most commonly found. How do I know? Well let’s just say I’ve lost a lot of interns.
- Behind you
- In front of you
- Near you
- Around you
- Under you
- Inside you
- On top of you
- Diagonally horizontal to the left of your adjacent position
- Between you
- In the shadows of you and your loved ones
- The tree in your backyard
- In small villages
- In your refrigerator
- Adjacent to your car keys
- Wherever Pirates happen to be
- In napalm manufacturing plants
- In the walls
The following picture of a room full of ninjas is a great example of ninja invisibility skills:
Can’t see them? Need a hint?
- one is hiding behind the wallpaper.
- four are hiding behind the desks.
- one hypnotized you to not see him.
- three are hiding behind the camera.
- one is dressed as a teacher who is also a ninja so you can’t find her.
- at least six are hanging outside the window
Source: The Uncyclopedia Ninja Wiki
I thought this pic was a fake until I saw the rest of the story. And I thought I had lawnmower problems…
Here’s what happened:
A giant saltwater crocodile named Elvis with an apparent affinity for household machinery charged at an Australian reptile park worker Wednesday before stealing his lawn mower.
Tim Faulkner, operations manager at the Australian Reptile Park, north of Sydney, was one of three workers tending to the lawn in Elvis’ enclosure when he heard reptile keeper Billy Collett yelp. Faulkner looked up to see the 16-foot (5-meter), 1,100-pound (500-kilogram) crocodile lunging out of its lagoon at Collett, who warded the creature off with his mower.
“Before we knew it, the croc had the mower above his head,” Faulkner said. “He got his jaws around the top of the mower and picked it up and took it underwater with him.”
The workers quickly left the enclosure. Elvis, meanwhile, showed no signs of relinquishing his new toy and guarded it closely all morning. Eventually, Faulkner realized he had no other choice but to go back for the mower.
Collett lured Elvis to the opposite end of the lagoon with a heaping helping of kangaroo meat while Faulkner plunged, fully clothed, into the water. Before grabbing the mower, however, he had to search the bottom of the lagoon for two 3-inch (7-centimeter) teeth Elvis lost during the encounter. He quickly found them and escaped from the pool, unharmed and with mower in tow.
Though many may question the wisdom of going after a couple of teeth with a massive crocodile lurking just feet away, Faulkner said finding them was critical. “They clog up the filter systems,” he said.
Here’s something cool I found at Towards 2012. I think I’m going to make some lawn furniture like this. I got the “how-to” from Ready Made Mag and I have included it here along with observations and comments of my own.
Before you begin, figure the dirt you need by multiplying the dimensions of the couch you plan to make. That would be the “length” x “width” x “height”. Next, locate a suitable spot. Think it through because you won’t be able to move it once you’ve got it done. Clear the area of grass and weeds until you have level ground, then sketch the shape of the couch into the dirt with a stick.
Drive wood stakes into the ground along the perimeter of your sofa-shaped sketch, every 18″ or so, to a depth of about 12″. These will secure the form.
This looks like the hardest part to me. And I think that it might be easier to lay it out first, then attach the wafer board to stakes. You would then be pounding in a pre-made “wall” which would be easier than trying to nail wafer-board to stakes driven into the ground.
Start shoveling dirt into the form. Here’s where things get messy. Once a foot of dirt is in place, water lightly and compress by stomping around on top of it. Do a good job of compressing! This thing is going to have to stand up on it’s own!
Once the basic shape is in place and secure, carefully remove the wafer-board form. Praying the whole time that it holds together and doesn’t slump into a big pile of wet dirt!
Mold the shape to your liking. Remove any loose debris and sprinkle the sofa and other areas you’ll be sodding with a healthy layer of fertilizer and gypsite. (Is gypsite the same as gypsum? I wonder…) Water lightly. You don’t want to water it too heavily or it will begin to “melt”.
For extra support, lay strips of poultry netting over the arms and back. It will be really helpful if the poultry netting is already bent to the correct shape. Don’t try to bend it over the arms and back of your “sofa”. Poultry netting can be very ornery at times – I can just see it destroying all your careful work. So, measure and bend it and then lay it on.
Now it’s time to lay the sod. Press down the edges to create a smooth surface clear to the ground. Stagger the rows so the seams don’t fall in a line, and use chopsticks or planting stakes to keep them in place over the wire. If you want to plant anything else on your sofa, now is the time to do that too. I was thinking how cool it would look with flowers trailing down the back…
And, of course, keep the sheep off of it! I wonder if it would be a good idea to shore up the sides and the back with some big rocks around the base of the sides and the back…
I’m thinking how cool it would be to do a whole little outdoor living area. Maybe even have a “coffee table” complete with strawberries and mint growing out of the center of it. I wonder how well something like this would hold up.