- Vinegar-saddened potatoes, seasoned in the shadow of an man bursting with regret, accompanied by a side of angsty pomegranate steeped three hours in leeks, ennui, and the bourgeois consumerism of a successful older sibling.
- Orphaned zucchini aged in the sound of children’s laughter, embittered in vinegar, anise, and the deep-eyed stares of a loyal dog, gazing ever-hopefully out the window, even though her owner is late coming home from work.
- Friendless goat in emotionally processed micro greens. Do make sure the greens are micro, as they have to be small in comparison with the universe. This dish is best served at a table for one, far from home, while browsing Facebook on your phone.
- Feet of an overworked duck, braised for the amount of time it takes Sisyphus to roll his boulder up and down the same mountain three times. For the braising liquid, try to locate at your local wine store a debauched pinot noir, with a misanthropic nose, surprisingly empty on the palate, and a sardonic finish.
- Porterhouse steak, burnt to black by your ex-girlfriend, served on a collectible plate featuring images of her looking really great since you two broke up.
- Stringy Rooster, marinated in what you think is, at first, an awkward silence, but which turns out to be the casual indifference of eternity.
By Torrey Peters.
So there’s something fun I found today. Bet you’ve never tried these recipes! Or, maybe you have… I dunno! Anyway. Enjoy!
Tomato Hot Pants.
- 1 can Heinz stewed tomatoes
- 1 pair yellow or white cotton or cotton/lycra blend hot pants with pockets
- 1 terrycloth bonnet
Roll tomatoes and hot pants into a ball, putting one or two tomatoes in each pocket. Stuff roll into terrycloth bonnet, secure tightly. Dry on high for 15 minutes.
Mint Socks.
- 1 1/2 cup chopped fresh mint leaves
- 1 cup lemon juice
- 5 pairs white cotton socks
Set aside 1 tablespoon chopped fresh mint leaves. Add lemon juice, white socks, and remaining mint leaves, dry on high for 5 minutes. Sprinkle with remaining mint leaves before folding neatly.
Artichoke Encrusted T-Shirt with Capers.
- 1 jar artichoke hearts
- 1 package Shake ‘n’ Bake original
- 1 jar capers
- 4 T-shirts
- 1 tablespoon olive oil
Mix artichoke hearts and Shake ‘n’ Bake in washer on spin cycle until smooth. Scrape into bowl and set aside. Put olive oil and T-shirts in dryer for 5 minutes on high. Add artichoke blend and capers, and dry on high for 12 minutes.
Serves 4.
Found at: McSweeneys
The Devil went back to Georgia and his thoughts were dark and cold
That Johnny kid had screwed him and he still needed a soul.
When he came across this young man blowin’ on a tuba and playin’ hits
And the Devil took one look and said…
“Kid, I know you won’t believe this, but I play the tuba too
And if you wanna wager, well I’ve got a deal for you
If I’m the better tubist, then I get to take your soul
If you’re the best, you get this horn here, made from solid gold.
The boy replied, “My name is Hans, and though it may be wrong,
Your bet’s pretty intriguing, so I guess I’ll play along.”
Hans, clean out your spit valves, and get ready for a show.
Two tubas feudin’ face to face, pick up your horn and blow.
‘Cause if you win, you get a brand new tuba made of gold.
And if you lose the Devil gets your soul!
(Oomph music intensifies)
The Devil opened up his case and said, “I’ll start, I guess.”
And fire puffed out from the bell as on the valves he pressed
He raised the mouthpiece to his lips, it made a wicked BLART
And a band of lederhosen demons joined in with him to start
(Roll Out the Barrel plays with extended tuba solo)
Hans looked the Devil in the eye, once he finished his piece,
Said, “That’s okay, old man, but just you get a load of this!”
(http://youtu be/zmFYgc-Emmc and skip to 2:20)
The Devil bowed his head, because he knew he can’t compete
He dragged that heavy tuba down, it crashed by Hans’s feet
He turned away from Hans and as he retreated he said,
“Forget this crap I’m gonna try telemarketing instead.”
(Tuba outro)
Found on Facebook – see below:
This one never gets old!
Yelrihs the Antsy. Hoarder of Coffee and Mice.
LOL
If an image has posted without permission please leave a comment and I will happily remove it, replace it, give credit, link love ~ whatever you prefer.
Christmas
I think it's time to go shopping... maybe even buy some really cool stuff at my online shops!!
