Know Yourself
Skeletons In The Closet
We’re coming down to the last few days of the project, and I’m thinking that it’s time to dig deep and come to terms with the skeletons in our closets. Let’s face it. We all have them. Those hidden shameful or embarrassing things that we don’t talk about, don’t want anyone else to find out about, that we just want to bury and forget about.
There is a school of thought in some circles that we should kick those skeletons out. I guess the idea being that we can simply show them to the door and they’ll just leave? Does that really work? Is it even a good plan?
I have a different idea. Maybe even a RADICAL idea. Why not brew a pot of tea, and grab a pillow, crack that closet door open, get cozy on the pillow, share a cup of tea with your resident skeletons, and have a nice little chat. Probably just one at a time. A whole crew of closet skeletons might be a bit much.
I don’t have very many skeletons in my closet but I do have a few. I decided to share a little bit about one of them here to give you an idea of what I’m talking about. Here it is:
Years ago, before cell phones, when my kids were young, I was driving home early in the evening. It was a winding narrow road just outside a small town. And we passed the scene of an accident that had just happened. I can still see it clear as day. The driver’s side door was off and the driver looked… well… not good. Not good at all. There was a passenger but I didn’t get a good look because by the time I realized what I was seeing, I had already driven past them. They were on a side street, right at the intersection.
I knew I should stop and do something. I wanted to. But there was no shoulder, no place to pull over. I thought I should at least pull into the next driveway I saw and knock on the door and get someone to call 911. But the next driveway flew past. I thought I should turn around at the next opportunity… but then I didn’t. And pretty soon we were kind of far away. I told myself that someone else would come by and do something. And because it was a well traveled road, they probably did. But I have always felt bad about not stopping… not helping… just driving on by like nothing happened.
So that’s something that haunts me when I think about it. And this morning I was thinking OK. So now what? I can’t go back in time. What to do? So I had a chat with my “closet skeleton” and this is what I came up with:
I focused and sent Reiki into the past to enfold those people in loving healing energy. I asked my angels and guides to find those two souls and express to them my regret at not stopping to render aid. Will I stop at the next accident I see? Yes, if no one else is there, absolutely yes. I won’t want to, but I will.
Does it change what happened? Probably not. Am I OK with what I did and didn’t do? No. Do I feel better about it? A little bit better, yes.
Ok so… there’s that. I have other skeletons that will remain unspoken, but I do intend to have a chat with each one until we are well acquainted and fast friends. Why friends? They are a part of me. They are part of my experience of being me. I’m going to own them, embrace them, and see how that feels.
Now it’s your turn. What are your skeletons? Where are the closets they hide within? Is there at least one that you could have a chat with?
An Unexpected Journey
We’ve talked a lot about what we want, what we need. I think it’s time to flip the coin and talk about what we don’t want and what we don’t need. Might be time for another list! Let’s think about what we don’t want first. I’ll start:
- I don’t want to sit around surfing social media until my brain rots.
- I don’t want to consistently have rotten food in my refrigerator.
- I don’t want to face my fears…
- I don’t want to go blind.
- I don’t want to be in a car wreck.
- I don’t want my house to burn down.
- I don’t want to watch our planet be destroyed.
- I don’t want to die alone.
JEEZ!!! That went south in a hurry! Hmmm… interesting. I wonder what will happen with the I don’t need list. Let’s see:
- I don’t need a bunch of fake people in my life.
- I don’t need drugs and alcohol… wait, that’s not actually true. I really do need a good dose of caffeine in the morning, and at least once a week I need to chill with a glass of wine or a bottle of beer… so…
- I don’t need to go without drugs and alcohol? Seriously?
I really do love lists… but obviously, this is not going where I had expected it to go. So now I’m really curious to know what happens with your “I don’t want” list, and if your “I don’t need” list gets as strange as mine. What I expected was something like this:
- I don’t want a messy house.
- I don’t want to be in debt.
- I don’t want to work at a job I detest.
- I don’t want broken appliances.
- I don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not.
Stuff like that. And the truth is, I don’t care if I have a messy house. I’ve accepted that I’m in debt. I don’t detest my job because it’s a labor of love. If I didn’t want broken appliances, I’d replace them or fix them. And I never pretend to be someone I’m not. So… now what?
I almost didn’t post this because while it was interesting to me on a personal level, I didn’t see how it furthered the cause, the theme, the idea of Radical Self Care. However! Doing a deep explore and taking sharp turns in an unexpected direction might be a big part of it. So, I’m going to post this and I am really hoping to hear what you have to say about it. How did your lists go? Insights? Ideas?
Saying No
No is the flip side of yes. This is easy to forget. Saying yes to something also entails saying no to something else. For example. “Yes, I will get out of bed and go to work.” contains within it “No, I will not sleep in and stay home from work.”
In this awareness, I think it might be an interesting exercise to take note of what you are actually saying “No” to when you say “Yes.” to someone or something. And alternatively, what you might be saying “Yes.” to when you say “No” either to yourself or others.
It might even be informative to have an opposite day where you just say no to everything. Is that even possible? I wonder what that would look like in real life…. Is that an idea? Maybe? Probably not… but maybe…
All this talk about saying “No” reminds me of my years teaching puppy classes, training dogs, and teaching people how to train their own dogs. There’s definitely something useful here.
When training dogs, it’s important to follow your “No” with a “Yes.” Because you don’t want to leave your dog in a vacuum of having to guess what to do next. Here are some examples:
- “No” get your feet off the counter, should be followed by a “Sit” right here in front of the counter. For which you will get praise and pets.
- “Drop it” could be followed up with a “Here’s your toy.”
- “NO!” don’t chase that squirrel across the street would be followed with “Come” over here to me right now and plant your butt down.
I would also like to point out that when training dogs it’s also important to have the means to enforce your commands, both the positives and the negatives.
So, how does this relate to your life? Are you working to train your “inner dog”? What are you saying no to that could be followed up with a yes? What are your rewards? Do you have deterrents? Are they effective? Could they use a bit of a tweak?
Here’s how it looks at my house. Apparently my inner dog is a wino. LOL.
I have a developed a deep fondness for Mead. There’s a particular brand that is sold at my local grocery store that I absolutely love! I love it so much that I have a really hard time stopping myself from just literally sitting down and drinking the whole bottle right away.
So, My “No.” put the Mead away has to be followed up with a “Yes.” heat up a cup of tea. My deterrent is that I never buy more than one bottle a week. And my caveat is that if I sit down and drink that whole bottle in one evening I have to wait two weeks before I can buy another one. My reward for this good behavior is that I feel better when I don’t drink too much, I save money, and if I am good, I can buy another bottle next week.
Now it’s your turn. What will you say “No.” to and how does that translate into a “Yes”? And when you do say no to yourself what is your follow up? and do you have a good deterrent/reward system in place?
The Art of War
While researching for this project I stumbled into The Art of War by Sun Tsu. What an interesting little book. Over the years, there have been a lot of books and internet articles applying his ideas to modern life. What I loved was the simplicity of his actual writings. Here’s a great quote that I thought might be useful for this project:
Know the enemy, know yourself,
And victory is never in doubt,
Not in a hundred battles.
He who knows self but not the enemy
Will suffer one defeat for every victory.
He who knows neither self nor enemy
Will fail in every battle.
So what is the enemy in your battle for Self Care? What or who opposes you? Very important to really understand what we are up against, I think. Equally important to know our own strengths and weaknesses, our limitations, our resources, and to understand the ground upon which we stand.
Daddy Time
We’ve talked about our inner child and our inner mom… but what about our inner dad? There’s nothing more comforting than having a Dad come over and help you deal with big practical problematic stuff.
My actual dad was not someone I could call on when I needed help with life on earth, but my husband and his dad could always be counted on to fix stuff that was broken. They would be there, probably cussing and complaining the whole time, but they would be there getting their hands dirty and the job done.
Sometimes I wish I had modeled my inner dad after them, but I didn’t. If I had, maybe my house and my car would be in better shape. Maybe… or maybe not…. I don’t know.
What about your inner dad? What are his qualities and attributes? How does your life reflect what your actual dad taught you? Are you trying to be more like him? Or the opposite of him? How does your relationship with your inner dad reflect your relationship with your actual dad, and what does that look like in terms of self care?
I modeled my inner dad after my actual dad. He was really good at telling stories, he definitely walked his talk and practiced what he preached. This I do… not so sure how good I am at telling stories, but I do enjoy talking and blogging and my art always has a little story embedded in it. I also do my best to practice what I preach.
He was also really good at puttering around totally ignoring my mom’s drama, and when the shit hit the fan, he could be counted on to take the dog for a long long walk. I do that too… But in terms of self care? Clearly, something is lacking here. Is that because it’s too easy for me to exit the building when stuff goes down that makes me uncomfortable? Interesting…
And I wondered what would happen if I invited my inner dad over for dinner. Could I ask him for help? Would be give me good counsel? Provide solutions to problems? Would it look something like this?
Or would it look more like this:
What about you? Is your inner dad very much like your actual dad? Or totally different? Do you need to give your inner dad a bigger role in your life? Or do you need to bump him back a bit? What about your actual dad? What can you learn from him? Even if he’s gone from this world, there might still be something you could learn…
Missing Mom
Sometimes I miss my mom. This is an especially familiar feeling for me because when I was 5 years old, my parents sent me away to boarding school. As a result, I had to learn how to be my own mom at a very young age. Somebody had to nurture and protect me or I wasn’t going to survive the experience.
No matter what your life experience was or is, we all want and need to be nurtured and protected. Part of Radical Self Care is taking an active part in that role of nurturer and protector. For some of us there’s a learning curve because we didn’t experience this early in life and we aren’t sure how to do it. For some of us, self care is riddled with guilt and fear because we were taught to never ever do it.
Right here, right now, this very moment, let’s invoke our inner moms. Who is she? What does she look like? Where has she been hiding out? Do we need to resurrect her from the ashes of our childhoods? Do we need to create her from the inner core of who we really are? Does she need a reboot? A makeover? Maybe even an extreme makeover?
Remember, your inner mom and your actual mom are NOT one and the same. Take some time today to think about this. Maybe write a small paragraph about her, have a conversation….
My inner mom and my outer mom are in total agreement right now. It’s time to get offline and do the dishes. I’d really love to hear your thoughts and ideas!
Best Boss Ever
Now that we’ve established that we are our own actual bosses, I think it would be a great idea to think about ways to achieve the Best Boss Ever status. Taking control of your life can seem a daunting task but it is not impossible to do. With the right mindset and a little bit of courage, I think we really can do it!
With that in mind, I did an internet search and found a bunch of good tips from a variety of sources. Here they are:
- Set targets and track progress.
Few things are more frustrating than feeling like you’ve given your all, only to be told that you didn’t deliver what was expected. Everyone wants to feel a sense of accomplishment. So, it’s important to set clear expectations.
For example, if the CEO of you wants you to exercise every day, be clear about what that means. Does it mean 10 sit ups? A walk around the block? What does “more exercise” specifically mean? In the world of your reality, what does eat healthy actually look like? Be precise and clear, and keep track of progress made.
So before you assign new projects or tasks, be sure to set clear expectations, and follow up with detailed instructions, if necessary. Then, schedule regular check-ins so that your expectations are on the same page as your reality!
- Allow yourself to stumble.
Don’t confuse being the best boss with having “employees” that are the best at everything. Similarly, setting expectations doesn’t mean micromanaging the process of the work. Let yourself know what you want, and let yourself deliver it—even if you think you could have done a better job.
Sometimes growing also means allowing yourself to stumble. If you make mistakes—learn from them. “You can’t expect perfection, but you do want growth. Failures are okay. If you fail a lot, maybe it’s time to rethink your strategy.”
- Develop your talent.
As the head of the company of you, find out what interests you the most. Take courses to improve your skill set, and then challenge yourself with work that is interesting, and maybe just a little bit above your pay grade. If it’s something that is interesting or useful, it will be easier to make this happen.
- Find out what motivates your “workers.”
You’ll be a more effective boss if you adapt to your employees, rather than expecting your employees to adapt to you. (If they’re good employees, they’ll be trying to do the same thing.)
Some aspects of your personality might crave autonomy. Others may respond well to regular feedback. Some will want to have a very formal relationship with you, while others work better when they feel like they’re your peer rather than in a hierarchical relationship.
- Give good feedback.
If something isn’t working, admit to yourself that it isn’t working, and think about ways you can improve. Be generous with praise. We so often forget to praise ourselves for jobs well done.
In the workplace nothing makes employees feel better than having their hard work acknowledged, especially in the day-to-day, while they’re grinding it out. They’ll be happy to keep hitting tough deadlines and burning the midnight oil if they know their efforts are appreciated. The same holds true for hard work on yourself.
Remember that you’re all in it together. Literally!! Just because you’re the boss, it doesn’t mean you have to be cruel or overbearing. Good bosses are team leaders, not dictators. Try to bring that spirit of inclusion and shared effort, and you will want to be part of your team—earning more wins for the boss they’re proud to support.
- Stay connected and aware.
It might be good to have a “group” meeting once a week. Talk or journal to yourself about how things are going, what’s going well, and what might need a new protocol or a different approach. Listen to your heart, your gut, your feelings, and your intuition. Stay on track but stay flexible at the same time.
- Let the bad stuff go.
A great boss does what is necessary to maintain a non toxic environment. In the actual workplace a good manager takes steps to replace faulty tools, makes sure there are adequate supplies for the work that is being done, and steps in to eliminate problem clients and customers.
If you are going to be your own great boss or good manager, you will need to do the same. Provide yourself with the tools and supplies you need. Do something about the problem people and the toxic relationships that drain your energy.
- Show up.
Writing down your goals and dreaming is not enough. Even if you talk up a storm, nothing is going to happen if you don’t SHOW UP. This is challenging, especially in the beginning, when you might be feeling some self-doubt. But when you decide to show up and actually face whatever it is that you need to face, you will find yourself empowered and energized.
- Monitor your use of media.
Media has a way bigger power on us than we think. Pay attention to how much time you spend on social media, The president of the small country that is you wants you to spend your time engaging in activities that make your life healthy and bring you fulfillment.
Encourage your “civilians” to spend time with friends, and family. Invest in creative outlets, good books, and mini vacations to interesting places.
- Don’t push too hard.
It is not healthy for your body or your mind to always be on work mode. It is important to create healthy boundaries that will allow you to say no when you need to so you won’t get stretched too thin. Give yourself days off for fun and play. Allow yourself some down time and room for simply sitting and doing nothing.
- Encourage regular self care.
Self-care is more than just resting, although sleep is an important part of it. Self-care is prioritizing your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. This is different for everyone because people have different needs. It is essential to do some reflection, so you can figure out what self-care routines will benefit for you.
Aromatherapy, massages, meditation, exercise and skincare are just some of the activities that can help boost your mood. The point is to prioritize yourself and do things that you enjoy. They don’t have to be major, even simple activities are great as long as they are meaningful to you.
- Be patient.
So, you have plotted out your course and are working hard to achieve your goals but you are still not getting there. Don’t rush it! Genuine growth can take a long time. Very few people become successful overnight. You have to be patient and trust your own journey. You will get there when you need to.
- Be willing to delegate.
Being an effective leader requires being willing to step back and allow others to take on responsibilities. It’s your responsibility as the manager to delegate projects that set your “employees” up for success and make adjustments where needed when expectations are not being met.
Do you need to hire a professional? Maybe you could invite some help from family or friends. You do not have to do everything all by yourself. And it’s not fair to expect that. Companies and corporations hire from outside sources all the time. If money is an issue, family and friends can be a valuable resource.
- Maintain communication.
It’s important to maintain regular and prompt communication with your “employees,” in addition to making time for regular “employee” reviews and check-ins. Remember, communication is a two-way street. A good leader also makes sure that their “employees” always have the opportunity to communicate any concerns or questions they have.
Remember that when we say “employee” we are actually referring to various aspects of ourselves. For example my employees are comprised of a blogger, an artist, a mother, a cook, a receptionist, a housekeeper, a gardener… etc. I have a lot of “employees”… LOL… you might just have one or two.
- Listen to others but make the final decision.
One of the most challenging skills to master as a great leader is finding the balance between listening to others and being authoritative. The best approach to decision-making is to be receptive and open to feedback during deliberation and to be resolute and direct once you have made a choice. Clear and final guidance from the top makes work easier for everyone as it avoids uncertainty and mixed messages.
Sources:
Take Me To Your Leader
Yesterday I contemplated the idea hiring someone to help with the stuff I want and/or need help with. And it occurred to me that if I did hire someone (even if all I did is hire myself) I would be the one in charge. I would be in a supervisory position. I would be the boss, the leader.
And I had an epiphany!
I am already in a supervisory position. I might not be the boss at work, but I AM the boss of my life. I am the one in charge of me. I might not be in charge of what happens to me, I might not be in charge of the people and situations that unfold around me, but I am in charge of me, and I am the ONLY one in charge of me. I am the boss of myself.
So, if an alien space ship lands, and a small green man appears and says, “Take me to your leader.” I can respond with confidence, “I am the leader.”
And now I have questions!
What kind of a boss am I? Am I the chairman of the board? The CEO? Am I a dictator? The president? Maybe I’m the captain of the good ship Shirley Twofeathers? Is it a pirate ship?
What is my leadership style when it comes to me and my life? Am I constantly quashing rebellions and mutinies? Is there freedom of speech? Voting rights? A constitution?
Am I secretly waging guerilla warfare against the leader of my life? Fighting myself every step of the way? And why? What am I fighting for? And if I am waging a war of resistance, what am I resisting? Do I need to remember that the captain always goes down with the ship? Maybe some teamwork is in order?
What about you?
What is your leadership role when it comes to your own life? What is your management style? Do you need to lead a revolution? Or maybe quash a rebellion? If you were your own BEST boss, what would that look like? What would you change? What would stay the same?
If you were in a supervisory position in the work place, would you treat your employees better than you treat yourself? Are you more considerate to coworkers and underlings than you are to yourself? What would you want your actual boss at work to do or provide for you as part of your job that you don’t do or provide for yourself at home or in your personal life?
What would happen if you supervised yourself in the ways you would want to be supervised when on the job? What would you do differently? How would your life change for the better?
Lots of stuff to think about for sure!
So, for today I would like to suggest that we spend some time figuring out just how it is that we rule our lives, how we treat ourselves, and and just what our leadership style is. What seems to be working and where it falls apart.
There’s a saying, “large and in charge.” What does it mean?
Dominating or controlling a situation with confidence and aplomb. Sure, as the captain of your ship, you are the one to blame when things go wrong or fall apart, but you are also large and in charge when they go well.
I’m thinking that being large and in charge goes hand and hand with Radical Self Care. Taking charge of our lives with confidence, taking responsibility, doing whatever is needed to successfully navigate stormy weather as well as the doldrums, when there is no wind in your sails.
Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries is pretty important I think, and I’m not talking about the kind of boundaries depicted in the picture. Isolating yourself and ignoring everything except for what you are enjoying in the moment isn’t always a good idea.
Healthy boundaries is a phrase you see a lot on websites and in books but I’m not sure what that really means in real life. My personal experience with boundaries pretty much looks like that picture at the top of the page. There are some people, close friends and family who have the key to that gate. They also have my phone number. I’m pretty sure I’d drop everything for them if they needed me.
Because I felt somewhat clueless on this subject, I asked Google to find me something about healthy boundaries. This little tidbit at Better Up seemed good.
Our personal boundaries should always be heard and never excluded from any relationship. To give you an idea of what personal boundaries can look like, here are five examples:
- Ownership and agency over your financial assets.
- The ability to stay true to your sense of self, spiritual beliefs, and passions.
- Ability to prioritize personal time for self-care.
- The right to change your mind and preferences.
- Alone time with no distractions or interruptions.
And I am thinking that it might be really interesting to think about what you would like your personal boundaries to be. What might they look like? Have you set good boundaries? What boundaries are being crossed? How does that happen? And are you respecting your self when it comes to these boundaries?
- For example:
I do pretty good with numbers 1, 2, and 4. I really suck at prioritizing personal time for self-care. I have a lot of personal time and alone time, but I almost never use it for self-care.
As for number 5, that one is tricky. I do have a fair amount of time with no distractions or interruptions, but if my family calls, I answer the phone. Every time. Which I think is ok because if I really do need a “no interruption” time out, I can give everyone a heads up and they respect that.
HOWEVER! I find that I do not give my self hardly any alone time with no distractions … most of my alone time is spent on distractions… So… that’s something to work on.
So now what?
Let’s put some thought into our personal boundaries… figuring out what they actually are… deciding what we want them to be. Write a list. Maybe do a little research. Ask our really good friends what they think…. Let’s do something about our boundaries. Something easy. Something small. They are your boundaries. They can be whatever you want them to be!
Best Friends
Wherever you go, there you are! It’s true. There is only one person in this world that is with you every step of the way. They were there at the beginning and they’ll be there at the end. That person is YOU.
And this brings me to what I want to talk about and think about today. Being your own best friend. Being my own best friend. What does that look like?
For me, it looks like this:
I’m actually a good friend to have. I’m loyal. I’m interesting. I have ideas about just about everything under the sun. And if I don’t have to do the driving, I’m up for lots of cool stuff to explore and go do. I’m also pretty good about accepting my friends for who and how they are, not being the least bit interested in changing them into someone or something else.
I do, however, expect to be kept in the loop because my primary love language is “spending quality time” and if you don’t want to spend time with me, I’m likely to drift away.
I’m also very intense and tend to be self absorbed, plus I need plenty of alone time. I probably won’t invite you over to my house very often. And I’m sure that I can be really hard to deal with plenty of times, especially when I’m being stubborn about weird shit.
Which leads me to question if I actually am a good friend to me. And if I am, how can I be a better friend? What would I want from myself if I was my friend…. if there were two of me and we were friends… what would I be wanting more of? What would I want less of?
What about you? What kind of a friend are you? Are you your own best friend? And if you are friends with yourself how could you improve your relationship? And if you are not your own best friend, what can you do to change that? How could you go about cultivating that relationship?
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- me: Make Your Own Violet Fire
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- Shirley Twofeathers: It’s A Wrap
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- Shirley Twofeathers: It’s A Wrap