Inner Selves

Skeletons In The Closet

We’re coming down to the last few days of the project, and I’m thinking that it’s time to dig deep and come to terms with the skeletons in our closets. Let’s face it. We all have them. Those hidden shameful or embarrassing things that we don’t talk about, don’t want anyone else to find out about, that we just want to bury and forget about.

There is a school of thought in some circles that we should kick those skeletons out. I guess the idea being that we can simply show them to the door and they’ll just leave? Does that really work? Is it even a good plan?

I have a different idea. Maybe even a RADICAL idea. Why not brew a pot of tea, and grab a pillow, crack that closet door open, get cozy on the pillow, share a cup of tea with your resident skeletons, and have a nice little chat. Probably just one at a time. A whole crew of closet skeletons might be a bit much.

I don’t have very many skeletons in my closet but I do have a few. I decided to share a little bit about one of them here to give you an idea of what I’m talking about. Here it is:

Years ago, before cell phones, when my kids were young, I was driving home early in the evening. It was a winding narrow road just outside a small town. And we passed the scene of an accident that had just happened. I can still see it clear as day. The driver’s side door was off and the driver looked… well… not good. Not good at all. There was a passenger but I didn’t get a good look because by the time I realized what I was seeing, I had already driven past them. They were on a side street, right at the intersection.

I knew I should stop and do something. I wanted to. But there was no shoulder, no place to pull over. I thought I should at least pull into the next driveway I saw and knock on the door and get someone to call 911. But the next driveway flew past. I thought I should turn around at the next opportunity… but then I didn’t. And pretty soon we were kind of far away. I told myself that someone else would come by and do something. And because it was a well traveled road, they probably did. But I have always felt bad about not stopping… not helping… just driving on by like nothing happened.

So that’s something that haunts me when I think about it. And this morning I was thinking OK. So now what? I can’t go back in time. What to do? So I had a chat with my “closet skeleton” and this is what I came up with:

I focused and sent Reiki into the past to enfold those people in loving healing energy. I asked my angels and guides to find those two souls and express to them my regret at not stopping to render aid. Will I stop at the next accident I see? Yes, if no one else is there, absolutely yes. I won’t want to, but I will.

Does it change what happened? Probably not. Am I OK with what I did and didn’t do? No. Do I feel better about it? A little bit better, yes.

Ok so… there’s that. I have other skeletons that will remain unspoken, but I do intend to have a chat with each one until we are well acquainted and fast friends. Why friends? They are a part of me. They are part of my experience of being me. I’m going to own them, embrace them, and see how that feels.

Now it’s your turn. What are your skeletons? Where are the closets they hide within? Is there at least one that you could have a chat with?

Your Inner Warrior

From Buddha Groove, we have this nice little article about how to summon your inner warrior. I am in love with this idea. Let’s do it!

Your soul has many archetypes in its soul DNA, and some may present stronger than others. Perhaps people have always called you a “free spirit,” or your healer or teacher archetype has actually become your full-time job. While you might be born naturally very strong in a certain archetype, others can be called in and cultivated.

If you’re having trouble asserting yourself in life or currently facing an intimidating challenge, you might want to get to know your inner warrior—it is one of your greatest allies. Here are 5 simple yet powerful steps for doing just that:

Create a mental image of your inner warrior.

What comes to mind when you think of the word warrior? Maybe a Native American warrior riding bareback into battle hundreds of years ago to defend his land, or an ancient Viking shield maiden landing on the beaches of a foreign country. Or it might be the image of an ER nurse in the middle of an all-night shift, or an activist peacefully marching to fight for their beliefs.

  • If a character from a movie or book calls to the warrior in you, cut out a picture of that character from the web or save the book jacket and put it up on your fridge, vision board or desk for inspiration.
Decide how you’d describe your inner warrior.

Perhaps words like fearless and invincible come to mind. Yet maybe the best words to describe warrior energy are resilient, courageous and proactive. Resilient is a perfect description for a cancer patient summoning warrior energy to make it through their healing journey. Courageous describes a parent summoning warrior energy to remove their children from an abusive environment. Proactive might describe a manager initiating a tough conversation with a colleague before the situation gets out of hand.

  • Challenge yourself to find five adjectives that describe what warrior energy means to you.
Give your inner warrior a theme song.

Maybe your inner warrior likes a fight song, like something with a driving beat and empowering lyrics. Or perhaps your inner warrior responds best to something softer that relaxes your nervous system and makes you feel grounded for the battle ahead. When you put this song on, or even catch this song via a synchronicity when it plays in a store or on the radio, it can be a signal to more consciously connect with your inner warrior.

  • Make a warrior playlist of 10 songs that help you activate warrior energy.
Get clear on what type of warrior you are.

Maybe your inner warrior has a special flavor, like ice cream can be chocolate or pistachio. Are you an action hero warrior that likes to rush in and stay busy? Maybe you’re a love warrior, meeting every challenge or opponent with mercy. Peace warriors might be excellent diplomats or negotiators. Rebel warriors question the status quo. Activist warriors are idealists who see the amazing potential to improve life and fight for that potential to become reality.

  • Name your warrior type, feeling free to mix and match from the examples above or create your own type.
Practice asking yourself: What would my inner warrior do?

Before facing any challenging or stressful situation that will require inner strength and resolve, take a moment and ask yourself, “What would my inner warrior do?” How would your inner warrior, as defined by the exercises above, handle disciplining your child, tackling a tight deadline at work or facing a financial crisis?

  • Stop, quiet your mind for a minute and connect with your intuition for specific guidance on what your inner warrior would do.

My Hero

Here’s a great suggestion for dealing with or resolving problems and situations that feel impossible and overwhelming.

  • Pretend to be your hero.

When you’re faced with a challenging situation, an intimidating project, a new career leap, an important meeting, think about a hero. Someone you have a lot of respect for, someone with experience in dealing with similar situations and problems. Then ask yourself what this person would do in your situation. How would they handle it?

Now imagine yourself doing exactly what you think your hero would do. This helps to clarify what the right actions are for you by removing the self-doubt and negative self-talk that can bog you down in uncertainty.

Don’t have a particular person in mind? Can’t come up with a hero that you would or could emulate? No problem. Play the “If I was” game.

It goes like this… “If I was the most … the best … the legendary …”  Imagine what that might look like for you. Enjoy a moment of your epic greatness, then ask yourself, “So, now what could I do and how could I go about doing it?” And then (this is important) actually do that thing!

I did this a lot back in the day when I was a full time dog trainer. Sometimes I’d have an impossible dog but since I’m particularly stubborn, I wouldn’t give up… I’d maybe take a day or two off to think, and if all else failed I’d do the “fake it till you make it” ploy. It went like this:

If I was the best dog trainer in the world, the all time most famous and most knowledgeable trainer of dogs… legendary in the dog training world… what would I do? And then I would go forth “as if” and it always got me through.

So let’s just do it… the hardest most challenging aspect of self care… that one thing that we’ve been avoiding or dreading… channel your inner hero or your most respected expert in the field… and then JUST DO IT!

Maybe you need to tackle the whole shebang… maybe you just need to start the journey by heading out the door. Either way is fine. Consult your heroic self and just get started! Now is the time. Today is the day!

You got this!!

Being There

Yesterday we spent some time thinking about Dads. And when I went looking for images to decorate the post, I had an epiphany! Being a good dad to yourself looks a lot like Radical Self Care.

So, in that awareness, I’m going to share a small collection of pictures and paintings depicting dads, and I’d like to suggest that when we look at these images, we imagine what it would be like to be that stabilizing comforting strengthening presence not for our children, but for our actual selves.

Do you feel it? Can you imagine it? What if you actually spent the rest of the day being there for YOU in that kindly loving daddy way?

Daddy Time

We’ve talked about our inner child and our inner mom… but what about our inner dad? There’s nothing more comforting than having a Dad come over and help you deal with big practical problematic stuff.

My actual dad was not someone I could call on when I needed help with life on earth, but my husband and his dad could always be counted on to fix stuff that was broken. They would be there, probably cussing and complaining the whole time, but they would be there getting their hands dirty and the job done.

Sometimes I wish I had modeled my inner dad after them, but I didn’t. If I had, maybe my house and my car would be in better shape. Maybe… or maybe not…. I don’t know.

What about your inner dad? What are his qualities and attributes? How does your life reflect what your actual dad taught you? Are you trying to be more like him? Or the opposite of him? How does your relationship with your inner dad reflect your relationship with your actual dad, and what does that look like in terms of self care?

I modeled my inner dad after my actual dad. He was really good at telling stories, he definitely walked his talk and practiced what he preached. This I do… not so sure how good I am at telling stories, but I do enjoy talking and blogging and my art always has a little story embedded in it. I also do my best to practice what I preach.

He was also really good at puttering around totally ignoring my mom’s drama, and when the shit hit the fan, he could be counted on to take the dog for a long long walk. I do that too… But in terms of self care? Clearly, something is lacking here. Is that because it’s too easy for me to exit the building when stuff goes down that makes me uncomfortable? Interesting…

And I wondered what would happen if I invited my inner dad over for dinner. Could I ask him for help? Would be give me good counsel? Provide solutions to problems? Would it look something like this?

Or would it look more like this:

What about you? Is your inner dad very much like your actual dad? Or totally different? Do you need to give your inner dad a bigger role in your life? Or do you need to bump him back a bit? What about your actual dad? What can you learn from him? Even if he’s gone from this world, there might still be something you could learn…

Missing Mom

Sometimes I miss my mom.  This is an especially familiar feeling for me because when I was 5 years old, my parents sent me away to boarding school. As a result, I had to learn how to be my own mom at a very young age. Somebody had to nurture and protect me or I wasn’t going to survive the experience.

No matter what your life experience was or is, we all want and need to be nurtured and protected. Part of Radical Self Care is taking an active part in that role of nurturer and protector. For some of us there’s a learning curve because we didn’t experience this early in life and we aren’t sure how to do it. For some of us, self care is riddled with guilt and fear because we were taught to never ever do it.

Right here, right now, this very moment, let’s invoke our inner moms. Who is she? What does she look like? Where has she been hiding out?  Do we need to resurrect her from the ashes of our childhoods? Do we need to create her from the inner core of who we really are? Does she need a reboot? A makeover? Maybe even an extreme makeover?

Remember, your inner mom and your actual mom are NOT one and the same. Take some time today to think about this. Maybe write a small paragraph about her, have a conversation….

My inner mom and my outer mom are in total agreement right now. It’s time to get offline and do the dishes. I’d really love to hear your thoughts and ideas!

Have That Talk

Now that we’ve planned our play date, or maybe we even actually managed to squeeze it into our schedule yesterday and had a bit of fun. Either way, I think it’s important to have a chat with our inner child. Implement lines of communication, find out what our child within wants and needs.

I don’t know what your self talk sounds like when it comes to your inner child. My self talk generally revolves around no we can’t do that yet because we have to do something else and the something else is usually not a  fun thing. Berating myself for leaving chaos behind whenever I do have a lot of fun doing something.

It’s so tempting to get all judgmental and authoritarian, maybe because when we were kids our mothers said stuff like:

  • You are way too messy… you better clean that up right now.
  • Don’t be silly… life isn’t a game.
  • Stop being such a baby and grow up.

My idea for a talk with our inner children is more of a Mr. Rogers type chat. Something kind. A cozy little get together where we do a lot of listening, and smiling, maybe even some hugging… Maybe wear a sweater… Possibly there might be tea and cookies! It might even look like this:

During this cozy little chat, let’s find out what our inner child wants and needs in order to be happy.  And then let’s make plans to follow through.

How about it guys? What are your thoughts? What does your inner child want and need in order to be happy? Does your self talk reflect the way your actual mom talked to you when you were an actual child? Maybe that’s something that needs to be changed!

Oh and one more thing!

What if we changed the way we talk to ourselves, rewrote the way we tell ourselves what to do. Maybe something like this?

  • Time for a bath and bed, tomorrow I’ll help you put your toys away.
  • Here, punch this pillow a bunch of times and then we’ll go for a walk.

Lots to think about here!

What About Child Care?

All this talk about going corporate, being our best boss, having board meetings and such… I started to wonder what about child care? All work and no play makes Shirley a dull girl… no… actually that’s not true. All work and no play turns Shirley into a rebellious destructive temper tantrum throwing brat!

What happens to you when you lock your inner child down for too long? How does that look for you? Does that childish, fun loving, freedom seeking, curiously bright little flame inside of you shut down or go into hiding? Are there rebellions and tantrums? Or does that beautiful precious part of you pack up and run away?

So, how about this… let’s commit to doing something childish and silly. It doesn’t HAVE to be today, but let’s at least make a play date with our inner child. Set a date, make a plan, and then actually follow through with it. No excuses, no rain checks…

Here are some ideas:

  • Grab some crayons and color outside the lines.
  • Finger painting is always messy and fun!
  • Blow bubbles and try to catch them.
  • Make a fort under the table and read stories to yourself.
  • Surf kids crafts on YouTube and find something fun to do.
  • Make chocolate chip cookies and eat the dough off of your sticky fingers.
  • Dress up like a princess or a dinosaur… or something fun… and just be silly all day long.
  • Play hide and seek with your dog… or a friend… or an imaginary friend.
  • Have a tea party ~ real or imaginary.

What are your ideas? What did you enjoy playing at when you were a child? What were your favorite games? Did you play outside? Or were you more of an inside and under the covers kind of a kid? What do you think your inner child would most enjoy?

It’s perfectly OK to invite friends to your play date, but only if you make it clear that NO ONE is going to behave like a grown up until after the party is over and it’s time to clean up. Because of course, this is real life, and rooms eventually have to be cleaned, baths have to be taken, and toys have to be put away.

It’s A Meet Up

A fun fact: More than 11 million business meetings take place daily around the world, so learning which words affect the productivity and outcome of those meetings can help companies change the course of their success. Research shows that the words “yeah,” “give,” “start,” “meeting” and “discuss” have a bigger impact than other words. Furthermore, those words often result in proposals being accepted more often than others.

So what’s that got to do with anything? I thought it might be helpful to discuss the idea of having a meeting with yourself. Maybe take some time to look at your collection of “wants and needs” and give yourself an opportunity to think about how to start actually doing something practical and radically real.  Yeah us!

So lets call a Board Meeting… or maybe a Bored Meeting? I don’t know. Maybe in your world it would be Tribal Council, a Meeting of the Minds, a Parley, a Huddle, a Town Hall? Possibly even a Get Together for the purpose of Getting It Together.

What’s on the agenda in this meeting? Let’s check in with ourselves and take a look at our wants and needs. Remember how we started? The story about a teacher who had students leave notes about their needs in a box? Now, I don’t know if you have a mental list of notes, or a box with notes in them. Maybe you have a list of notes in a journal. Doesn’t matter how you keep track, what does matter is that today we’re going to schedule a specific time to sit down with that list, pick just one thing, plan some affirmative action, and then take steps to actually follow through on those plans..

I think I’m going to call for a Parley. How about you? What are you going to call your meeting and when are you planning to schedule it?

Best Boss Ever

Now that we’ve established that we are our own actual bosses, I think it would be a great idea to think about ways to achieve the Best Boss Ever status. Taking control of your life can seem a daunting task but it is not impossible to do. With the right mindset and a little bit of courage, I think we really can do it!

With that in mind, I did an internet search and found a bunch of good tips from a variety of sources. Here they are:

  • Set targets and track progress.

Few things are more frustrating than feeling like you’ve given your all, only to be told that you didn’t deliver what was expected. Everyone wants to feel a sense of accomplishment. So, it’s important to set clear expectations.

For example, if the CEO of you wants you to exercise every day, be clear about what that means. Does it mean 10 sit ups? A walk around the block? What does “more exercise” specifically mean? In the world of your reality, what does eat healthy actually look like? Be precise and clear, and keep track of progress made.

So before you assign new projects or tasks, be sure to set clear expectations, and follow up with detailed instructions, if necessary. Then, schedule regular check-ins so that your expectations are on the same page as your reality!

  • Allow yourself to stumble.

Don’t confuse being the best boss with having “employees” that are the best at everything. Similarly, setting expectations doesn’t mean micromanaging the process of the work. Let yourself know what you want, and let yourself deliver it—even if you think you could have done a better job.

Sometimes growing also means allowing yourself to stumble. If you make mistakes—learn from them. “You can’t expect perfection, but you do want growth. Failures are okay. If you fail a lot, maybe it’s time to rethink your strategy.”

  • Develop your talent.

As the head of the company of you, find out what interests you the most. Take courses to improve your skill set, and then challenge yourself with work that is interesting, and maybe just a little bit above your pay grade. If it’s something that is interesting or useful, it will be easier to make this happen.

  • Find out what motivates your “workers.”

You’ll be a more effective boss if you adapt to your employees, rather than expecting your employees to adapt to you. (If they’re good employees, they’ll be trying to do the same thing.)

Some aspects of your personality might crave autonomy. Others may respond well to regular feedback. Some will want to have a very formal relationship with you, while others work better when they feel like they’re your peer rather than in a hierarchical relationship.

  • Give good feedback.

If something isn’t working, admit to yourself that it isn’t working, and think about ways you can improve. Be generous with praise. We so often forget to praise ourselves for jobs well done.

In the workplace nothing makes employees feel better than having their hard work acknowledged, especially in the day-to-day, while they’re grinding it out. They’ll be happy to keep hitting tough deadlines and burning the midnight oil if they know their efforts are appreciated. The same holds true for hard work on yourself.

Remember that you’re all in it together. Literally!! Just because you’re the boss, it doesn’t mean you have to be cruel or overbearing. Good bosses are team leaders, not dictators. Try to bring that spirit of inclusion and shared effort, and you will want to be part of your team—earning more wins for the boss they’re proud to support.

  • Stay connected and aware.

It might be good to have a “group” meeting once a week. Talk or journal to yourself about how things are going, what’s going well, and what might need a new protocol or a different approach. Listen to your heart, your gut, your feelings, and your intuition. Stay on track but stay flexible at the same time.

  • Let the bad stuff go.

A great boss does what is necessary to maintain a non toxic environment. In the actual workplace a good manager takes steps to replace faulty tools, makes sure there are adequate supplies for the work that is being done, and steps in to eliminate problem clients and customers.

If you are going to be your own great boss or good manager, you will need to do the same. Provide yourself with the tools and supplies you need. Do something about the problem people and the toxic relationships that drain your energy.

  • Show up.

Writing down your goals and dreaming is not enough. Even if you talk up a storm, nothing is going to happen if you don’t SHOW UP. This is challenging, especially in the beginning, when you might be feeling some self-doubt. But when you decide to show up and actually face whatever it is that you need to face, you will find yourself empowered and energized.

  • Monitor your use of media.

Media has a way bigger power on us than we think. Pay attention to how much time you spend on social media, The president of the small country that is you wants you to spend your time engaging in activities that make your life healthy and bring you fulfillment.

Encourage your “civilians” to spend time with friends, and family. Invest in creative outlets, good books, and mini vacations to interesting places.

  • Don’t push too hard.

It is not healthy for your body or your mind to always be on work mode. It is important to create healthy boundaries that will allow you to say no when you need to so you won’t get stretched too thin. Give yourself days off for fun and play. Allow yourself some down time and room for simply sitting and doing nothing.

  • Encourage regular self care.

Self-care is more than just resting, although sleep is an important part of it. Self-care is prioritizing your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs. This is different for everyone because people have different needs. It is essential to do some reflection, so you can figure out what self-care routines will benefit for you.

Aromatherapy, massages, meditation, exercise and skincare are just some of the activities that can help boost your mood. The point is to prioritize yourself and do things that you enjoy. They don’t have to be major, even simple activities are great as long as they are meaningful to you.

  • Be patient.

So, you have plotted out your course and are working hard to achieve your goals but you are still not getting there. Don’t rush it! Genuine growth can take a long time. Very few people become successful overnight. You have to be patient and trust your own journey. You will get there when you need to.

  • Be willing to delegate.

Being an effective leader requires being willing to step back and allow others to take on responsibilities. It’s your responsibility as the manager to delegate projects that set your “employees” up for success and make adjustments where needed when expectations are not being met.

Do you need to hire a professional? Maybe you could invite some help from family or friends. You do not have to do everything all by yourself. And it’s not fair to expect that. Companies and corporations hire from outside sources all the time. If money is an issue, family and friends can be a valuable resource.

  • Maintain communication.

It’s important to maintain regular and prompt communication with your “employees,” in addition to making time for regular “employee” reviews and check-ins. Remember, communication is a two-way street. A good leader also makes sure that their “employees” always have the opportunity to communicate any concerns or questions they have.

Remember that when we say “employee” we are actually referring to various aspects of ourselves. For example my employees are comprised of a blogger, an artist, a mother, a cook, a receptionist, a housekeeper, a gardener… etc. I have a lot of “employees”… LOL… you might just have one or two.

  • Listen to others but make the final decision.

One of the most challenging skills to master as a great leader is finding the balance between listening to others and being authoritative. The best approach to decision-making is to be receptive and open to feedback during deliberation and to be resolute and direct once you have made a choice. Clear and final guidance from the top makes work easier for everyone as it avoids uncertainty and mixed messages.

Sources:

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