It Matters

Yesterday we read a little bit about Shame. One of the quotes went something like this:

Perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval and acceptance. Perfectionism is other-focused—What will they think?

There was more to it, but it got me thinking, because it really does matter what other people think. I know that a lot of self help, self esteem, psychologists and counselors will tell you that it doesn’t matter what other people think of you. Which sounds comforting, but it’s not exactly true.

We live in a society, a world full of other people and it really does matter what other people think. For example:

  • To a defendant in a courtroom, it totally matters what those twelve people in the jury think.
  • Looking for employment? The approval and acceptance of others is very important.
  • If you want to keep your job, or get a promotion, what your supervisor thinks of you matters quite a lot.
  • Suppose you go missing, or get lost in the woods. If nobody cares what happens to you, will you ever be found?
  • A homeless person walks into a restaurant… what other people think will determine whether or not he gets a hot meal or a “police escort” out of the building.
  • You get stopped for a traffic violation… you think it doesn’t matter what the cop thinks of you? It matters.

I could probably come up with a bunch more examples, but you get the point. It’s not unusual for our survival to  depend on the acceptance and approval of others.

Which brings me to my point. Perfectionism is a survival mechanism. Fear of failure is a survival mechanism. I think the trick is to create a space for yourself where imperfection is acceptable, failure is expected, and you can just be real without worrying about how you will feed your family, pay the bills, and take care of the practical things.

If you can find your “tribe,” your circle of friends who know and love you for who you really are, it becomes simple to put on the “fit into the larger world” suit when you need to.

So, how do you find your tribe? I think it comes down to, accepting and loving yourself… your flaws, faults and imperfections as well as your talents, skills, and special attributes. Each one of us is a complex collection of pretty much everything in varying amounts… the good, the bad, the ugly… and we are each beautiful in our own way.

  • If you can’t love and accept yourself for who you really are, how can you expect someone else to?
  • If you can’t love and accept your family and friends for who they really are, why are you hanging around with them?
  • If the people you are hanging around with don’t love and accept you for who you really are, find people who will.

So… those are my thoughts for today. Anybody have anything they want to add?

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