me me me
Ok… so I just posted a bunch of stuff about Ents. As a matter of fact, you now have access, on this site, to just about everything you might ever want to know about Treebeard and the Entmoot. I have quotes, a list, and fresh from wikipedia – a history. Why?
Well, I’m getting to that. Don’t be hasty, little human.
I watched the Lord of the Rings, as I always do this time of the year. And while I’ve already blogged about how once again, I’m going for the gold and will be trying to “be” Aragorn, what I haven’t talked endlessly about, at least not yet, but I will… soon enough, is who I have actually succeeded at “being” for the past year. And yes, you’ve probably guessed it already. I’m pretty sure that I’ve spent most of last year being about as Entish as a person can get.
And yes, there were those interludes of insanity where I was absolutely “The Wrestler,” it seems that I did manage mostly to pull myself up by my bootstrings, and I’ve been hiding out in Fanghorn Forest ever since.
Being an Ent isn’t all that bad, they are at least stable, private, and basically good. The problem is that an Ent is not what I aspire to be, and in my heart, I am only a little bit Entish. On the other hand, maybe it would be a good idea to aspire to be the best possible Ent in the coming year… what if the following description (from the book, The Two Towers) was true for me as well as Treebeard?
“One felt as if there was an enormous well behind them, filled up with ages of memory and long, slow, steady thinking; but their surface was sparkling with the present: like sun shimmering on the outer leaves of a vast tree, or on the ripples of a very deep lake. I don’t know but it felt as if something that grew in the ground — asleep, you might say, or just feeling itself as something between root-tip and leaf-tip, between deep earth and sky had suddenly waked up, and was considering you with the same slow care that it had given to its own inside affairs for endless years.”
Yes, I would like that. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it. Magical even. Altogether self absorbed – something I have a real talent for! And yet, it doesn’t fill me with the enthusiasm or the deep yearning I feel when I think about if I could only be Aragorn….
So… there you have it! Clearly, no one has been chomping at the bit to find out who I think I was in the “real” world of 2009. But it feels good to have it posted at last. I’m not sure why, but I get a sense of having “finished” it once it’s posted.
Oh, and by the way, it took me several hours to get this posted…. I guess because “it takes a long time to say anything in Old Entish. And we never say anything unless it is worth taking a long time to say.”
I’m still talking about the Lord of the Rings. Earlier, I mentioned something about how Gandalph changed my life, and how I made a decision to begin to live my life as if it was an Epic Fantasy Adventure.
So, having mulled it over for several weeks, I came to the conclusion that I couldn’t just pick someone out of the move and “be” that person, because I wasn’t actually them. I didn’t have their skills, or their resources, or their support systems, or their history. Obviously, I’d have to be me. And I’d have to figure out how to be me in a more interesting, magical, adventurous, larger than (real) life kind of way.
The first thing I did was to quit my job. It was clear to me that I was working for was not one of the “good guys.” The next thing I did was get a part time job working for a company that at the very least had the appearance of being a “good guy.” And, indeed, my coworkers are for the most part, good people – and open minded. It’s one of the only work places I know where I can talk about angels, aliens, faeries, tarot, extraterrestrials, astrology, shamanism, reiki, drumming circles, underground kivas, ascended masters, yogis, buddhism, meditation, mantras, crystals, magic and etc etc… and while, I am the resident heretic, and I do frighten some of my coworkers, most of the time it’s OK, and very few people leave the room when I open my mouth. Maybe they even find my “wierdness” charming?
Having carved out a “comfort zone” for myself, I have set about working on creating a life that, for me, has magic and adventure. Which is one of those easier said than done sort of things, especially since life in America right now here where I am seemingly bears no resemblance to the landscapes, vistas, people, and events in larger than life fantasy movies.
And now, two years later, I’m still lost in a maze of what the heck does that look like? And how the heck can I do THAT? Am I too old? Is it too late? Am I up to the task? Is it even possible? Etc. Etc. I think it would be so much easier if I lived HERE:
By the way: This post was migrated from my blogger blog (shirleytwofeathers.blogspot.com) and was first published almost exactly 9 years ago, on 1/30/08.
|Your Personality Profile|
You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don’t mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!
In an earlier post, I made the statement that Gandalf changed my life. Here is how that happened. I was working at for Sprint, on a terrible shift, doing work I detested, mostly on night shift, and in a deep and dark depression. After midnight, we usually watched movies between calls (which was allowed). One night someone brought in The Lord of the Rings.
I was thinking… “Oh God, not that again!” But there it was, nothing to do but watch it, so I did. And once again I got totally caught up in the drama. And once again I started to wish that life really was like an epic fantasy movie. And once again, I felt myself spiralling into that dark feeling of disappointment with myself and my life.
And then, Frodo said: “I wish the ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened.” Which really resonated with me, I was wishing lots of stuff had never happened to me too.
To which Gandalf replied:
“So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”
He went on to say: “There are other forces at work in this world Frodo, besides the will of evil. Bilbo was meant to find the Ring. In which case, you were also meant to have it. And that is an encouraging thought.” But what I heard, that first part went straight to my heart. Something inside of me woke up. I could feel it stirring! It was as if he was speaking directly to me.
It occurred to me that I could decide what to do with the time that was given to me. That I could decide to live my life AS IF it was an epic fantasy movie. I could decide to be whoever it was that I wanted to be. And for the next several days – as we watched the rest of the trilogy – I mulled it over. I wondered who I would be if the Lord of the Rings was actually my “real” life… who was I in the movie? What part was I currently playing?
The answer was disconcerting to say the least. I came to the conclusion that I was “doing” life much the same as Denethor, Steward of Gondor. “Why? Why do the fools fly? Better to burn sooner than late, for burn we must. Go back to your bonfire! And I? I will go now to my pyre. To my pyre!”
If you don’t remember Denethor here’s the scoop on him: He’s a father, a good man, but he’s inexorably drawn to his own destruction because of his grief. He’s lost his son Boromir, and he almost lost his other son, Faramir. He’s lost his wife. He wasn’t the king of Gondor, only the steward…a caretaker. His city is under siege, his people are being slaughtered and he’s powerless to do anything about it. The situation is desperate. The armies of Sauron will come back. They will defeat civilization, and Denethor can’t see any way of stopping it. He can’t cope.
Ok, so I’m not a father, and I wasn’t in the situation he was in – but the grief was real, the feelings of loss and doom were real, I did feel powerless, and desperate, and unable to cope. And instead of standing my ground, instead of doing whatever could be done, I was plunging headlong into self destruction. Finding an almost sinful pleasure in being mean to myself, reveling in the self torture. Not even willing to allow the possibility of outside aid.
Now that I knew “who” I was in the movie, it was time to decide who I “wanted” to be in the epic fantasy adventure of my own life. I’ll blog that as a separate post. See it here.
By the way: This post was migrated from my blogger blog (shirleytwofeathers.blogspot.com) and was first published almost exactly 9 years ago, on 1/08/08.